I  had a totally different plan for this post today.

It was not going to be pretty. I’ve had several realizations today.

We don’t have any children. I’m working at a job that I like, but it has nothing in common with my training or my passion. It doesn’t look like that’s gonna change any time soon. And my uterus is trying to tie itself in a knot.

But then I go to my 4:30 appointment.

And this lovely lady named Amy shampooed my hair.

Is there anything that cannot be washed away by someone else shampooing your hair? I didn’t think so.

So all the things I had planned to say are currently at the bottom of the drain in her lovely black sink.

And it’s fine with me if they stay there for a while.

Alright, folks. One week from today, Fat Bridesmaid will arrive in her lovely chariot and sweep me away to BlogHer. (We won’t leave next Wednesday, but she’ll get here then…why am I explaining so much? Am I talking?) I know a week isn’t time to do a serious crash diet, but I also expect to do my share of indulging while I’m in Chicago. So I’m making a plan for the next week. Very simple, but hopefully I’ll accomplish great things. Or at least damage control.

• I will exercise one hour every day. No excuses. No wussing out. I’ll just do it.
• I will continue Project ARMs – weights and scrubbing/lotioning every day. (Lotioning isn’t a word? really?)
• No pasta! I didn’t realize I was eating so much, but I can do without for 7 days. Unless I decide to have it on our anniversary dinner. That meal is excusable.
• In exchange for my upping the exercise, I’m also upping my calorie target from 1250 to 1400. I think that’s fair.

That’s it! Nothing earth-shattering there.

I’ve also updated my plan page with updated pictures!

I do need some help from y’all, though. I love to make Road Trip Soundtracks, but I need some suggestions for songs for our 6-ish hour drive to Chicago. So what’s your favorite road-tripping song?

Just a few random observations from my day…

1. Looking over my food journal, I eat a lot of pasta. I probably need to do something about that.

2. I wore a new sweater today. I didn’t want to take the tag off. I was so proud!

3. It is very hard to get a side-shot of myself in the mirror with my phone. But the end result is worth it. My daily picture today really doesn’t even look like me. I am aware that the pooch is still seriously there, but no where near what it used to be.

4. If I’ve slept on my hair wet and then sleep in, I can make a timely exit if I just straighten my ponytail and leave the rest up and crazy.

5. I’m starting to get hungry with my current calorie allowance. I think I’m gonna bump it up a little and see what happens. I’ll bump up my exercise too so it should all even out.

6. I leave for BlogHer in 8 days! Can’t wait to hang out with these girls…and so many that I’ll meet!

Speaking of BlogHer, who of you will be there? I want to know who I should be looking for!

So I am not perfect.

I’ve had an off day today. I’ve been wanting food all day. I think it may be because my work day was totally different than normal so I didn’t get to drink the huge amount of water I usually drink in the morning. And I’ve confused hunger with thirst.

It also doesn’t help that I’m tired. Just sleepy. A typical Monday.

But let’s look back on what an old off day used to look like:

Breakfast: a venti 3-pump iced latte and a cranberry orange scone.

Lunch: probably sesame chicken and fried rice. with an egg roll AND a spring roll. Because that’s how much they value health at the hospital.

Snack: Ice cream. The real stuff from Graeter’s that they sell in the gift shop. All 600 calories of it.

Dinner: probably Italian. Lasagna from Carino’s.

Dessert: another trip to Starbucks, probably another Venti 3-pump white mocha.

Before-bed snack: bowl of cereal

If I weren’t so tired, I’d count up those calories. But I’m getting up in 7 hours. Let’s just say “a ridiculous amount of calories.” I’m satisfied with that.

And, honestly, is that an “off” day, or just a normal day that happened twice or so a week? Wow. That’s depressing.

And I consider today an off day? Let’s see…Maybe I didn’t work out. I had just planned on doing arm weights. I’ll make up for that tomorrow for sure. And eating? (Check out today’s photo food journal here.) I was a whole 144 calories over my target. 144. And considering I burned almost 500 calories yesterday, what’s the big deal?

I haven’t been beating myself up at all today over my day. And now I see why. Because it was hardly “bad” at all. It may not have been my plan, but if I would have been realistic about my plan, I would have seen that my planned meals wouldn’t fill me up. I would have been more prepared for snacks.

And I have snacked twice today. But both times, I was genuinely hungry.

Moral of the story? Look at all the facts before you start beating yourself up. Be honest about why today was tough and learn from it. And take what you learned from today and apply it tomorrow.

And pack a piece of fruit.

I went shopping for BlogHer today. I was pleased with what I found, but had a really hard time buying anything full price. I really hope I’m in transition here. Do I really want to buy nice clothes that I won’t be able to wear in a few months? I know I could get things tailored, but I know I’ll want NEW things. So I’m thankful for Old Navy and for clearance racks at Gap.

I’m so excited about my clothes for Chicago. Mostly casual dresses. I might show you pictures later. But not today. I’m already showered and stuff.

But my arms need some work. I realize that I’m down to a week and a half before I leave, so there’s not a great deal I can do. But this is my plan for this week.

Project ARMS

• arm workout daily – all of the arm exercises from Shred plus tricep curls while sitting/lying on balance ball (3 sets of 20 reps)
• daily application of scrub in the shower and lotion immediately after. If I can get rid of my dry skin and bumps, they will be totally presentable

This is on top of whatever cardio I decide to do that day. Of course, if I do Shred, I’ll make amendments and probably lower the number of sets.

I also need a haircut, a pedicure, and some serious work done to my eyebrows. I will probably do the latter 2 myself. Probably. Although Sunday is our anniversary and that would make a good treat…

So what do you do in a crunch to make you feel more presentable?

Before I even start this, I want to make sure you know something.

I just trying to be honest with what is going on with me today. I am not fishing for compliments. I’m hoping that someone can tell me that what I’m feeling isn’t too far crazy.

So I’ve lost 25 pounds. I’m eating pretty well. I’m working out almost every day. I am doing a lot of things right.

But when I look in the mirror, I don’t see anything different.

Logically, I know I look different. I have to. I think part of the problem is that I never really saw myself in a honest light when I weighed 237. I don’t know where I see myself in the mirror, but it never was 237. I think what I’m seeing now is closer to what my mind has always interpreted. I think at the time it was a defense mechanism.

But that’s keeping me from seeing my progress.

Every single day I take a picture of myself. Sometimes it’s at home, sometimes it’s in the bathroom at work, today it was in the bathroom at the restaurant where we had lunch. And I compare that picture to my “before” picture I carry in my purse, just to make sure I really am different. Every time I step on the scale, I have the same battle. I want it to be lower than the previous weight, of course, but yesterday I was struck by the number – and that it was a long way from where I started.

But when I look in the mirror, I don’t see it. Only when I see pictures. Side by side.

So those of you that have lost weight – or have lost weight in the past that has found you – do you ever struggle with your brain not catching up with the changes in your body?

I must admit…I’ve been excited.

I used to have a problem. A big problem. That came in a styrofoam cup. That I bought daily for months around 2:30, after our insane daily meeting at work. The problem has a name: frozen yogurt.

The yogurt comes from the little cafe in the hospital. The cafe has been closed for renovation for the past week and a half. Today was the grand reopening. I knew this all week. I had planned for the extra calories. So after the meeting, I followed all the other yogurt fans and jumped in the line.

It was exhilarating. I haven’t had anything really dessert-like in a while. I felt okay about this. Yes, it’s out of a machine but it uses real sugar! That’s gotta count for something!

I get my yogurt, take a bite, and am immediately disappointed.

I don’t know what the problem was. It just didn’t taste right. It tasted artificial, chemical-ly, just not good.

So I ate about five bites – just to make sure! – and then I threw it away.

What has happened to me? Maybe I’m finally growing up food-wise. Not just in words and thinking, but also in preferred taste.

Or maybe it’s like the Starbucks drink and I never took the time to notice that I never really liked it in the first place.

I mentioned the other day that I’m a little anxious about BlogHer. FB and I are hammering out our travel plans. Ticket and room were reserved long ago. My calling cards are here – and adorable.

My anxiety? What in the world am I going to wear?

The majority of my wardrobe doesn’t fit very well. I’m basically rotating between 3 pair of pants that are the exact same style but different colors. I have 4 cardigans and a variety of shirts to go under them. A few other blouses. And a ton of dresses. They seem to fit longer. I have a nice wardrobe for work, but nothing that says, “I need to go to BlogHer!”

I decided to spend my day off (yay!) cleaning out my closet. I tried on every article of clothing. If it was too big, it was put in the Goodwill pile. If it fit but wasn’t flattering, into the Goodwill pile. If it was still too small, I asked myself if I would wear it if it fit.  If not, in the Goodwill pile it went.

I was kinda sad to see some things go.

Like these pants.

They fall into the “no longer in style” category. I bought them when we lived in our old house. Before Goody’s went out of business. I thought the embroirdery on the leg was so cute. Now I remember why I hate them – they are the smallest 18 pants ever. I still can’t wear them. They are just bad karma. I never wore them. They are gone.

Awww. I love this shirt. It was my first Vera Wang purchase from Kohl’s. Tent-like tank I wore under my purple sweater. But now it’s too tent like. I don’t think it ever was flattering. Now it’s unflattering AND too big. To someone else it goes.

I bought this tank at a consignment shop the first time I got thin, circa 2004. I wore it a lot then. It’s one of the few articles of clothing I kept in my closet through the weight gain. It’s still too small. And the lace and gold sequins are just uncalled for. Goodbye, little grey tank.

From the pale pink up: my collection of t-shirts from Old Navy. Short, 3/4 and long sleeved. Some v-neck, some scoop, some deep scoop. I also have a variety of coordinating tanks that go with them. They are all XXL. No longer fit. I’m very proud of my loss, but this part was really hard for me. I wore these shirts when I had a job where I could dress casual – when I worked (and played!) with kids all day. When I taught the kids about nutrition and we did yoga and everyone called me Miss Krissie. Sigh.

This is a cute melon eyelet wrap dress I wore to my brother-in-law’s wedding. I really loved this dress. And I paid good money for it. But it’ll only wrap so far. It doesn’t wrap far enough.

There are other sad things in these piles: my black wrap dress (I remember wearing it on a date with Nathan), my khaki capris (wore to one of our wedding showers), so many tank tops, a darling black skirt. I guess I better get used to saying goodbye to things as I shrink out of them. Although when it’s time to say goodbye to my green sweater? I’ll probably bury it or make a pillow of it or something. I love that sweater.

Oh, and Farley is proud of me. He kept me company through the whole process.

Now that I’ve opened up space in my closet,  I can go shopping, right?

(By the way, my eating was terrible today. The first day I’ve had like that in a while. Glad tomorrow is a new day!)

You all are awesome! The comments on the past 2 posts so encouraging and insightful! I’ve spent the morning responding to them – which is a new habit I’m trying to start. I usually try to respond back by email, but since so many of you asked the same question, I thought I’ll start responding back in comments. So go check them out!

And to answer the ever-so-popular questions…

Ingredients: Defatted soy flour, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, water, salt, sugar, artificial and natural flavor, red 40 and other color added, soy sauce (water, wheat, soybeans, salt), hydrolyzed vegetable protein (corn, soy, wheat)

Basically little crunchy bits with a fake taste that is supposed to resemble the taste of bacon. The list of what you can do with them is disgusting.

Now I’m off to the gym and to clean out my closet. I’ll have a real post later!

I need to apologize for my rant yesterday. I realize I probably have readers who eat fat-free products. Who enjoy the occassional pop-tart or Weight Watchers food product.

My problem? I’ve done too much reading. I’ve become a food snob.

I want to know what is in things. I want real butter, not something engineered to look like butter. I want bread with just a few ingredients and without high fructose corn syrup. I want pasta made with whole wheat. I want full-fat cheese and yogurt. I want peanut butter with 2 ingredients even if I have to keep it in the fridge and stir it like crazy.

I want real food. Even if it means more calories and fat and expense. I would rather eat less of the best stuff than a greater quantity of food product.

I used to not care. I used to eat the Chili Cheese Frito Wrap from Sonic and all of those low-point pastries. When I lost weight on Weight Watchers the first time (2003), I ate frozen meals, hot pockets, fat-free yogurt, over-processed lunchmeats. I knew the lowest point options at Taco Bell and McDonalds. But I had no idea what I was putting in my body.

But now I know better. And I am concerned with what I put in my body.

I wouldn’t put a can of Pepsi in the gas tank of my car. I wouldn’t cram play-doh into my dvd player. I wouldn’t put a handful of rocks in my blender. I care too much about my stuff to put things into them that would tear them up.

I’m working on being equally concerned about my body. If I don’t know what it is, or if I know it has something in it that is bad for me, I’m trying to make better choices. And I do most of the time.

I’m still learning. I’m not perfect. But I’m better. And I can’t go back. I can’t imagine eating a french fry today. Or a poptart. Or a can of pepsi. And that’s a far cry from where I used to be.