Happy New Year’s Eve Eve!

Nathan and I are doing nothing (NOTHING!) tomorrow. I may follow-up on a few jobs, so some more online applications, but we’re not going out or anything. That is how we always spend New Year’s. And I’m totally content with that.

I’ve been working really hard on my resolutions. And I’m going to put them on my side-bar. I have 3, and I think they are pretty straightforward and achievable.

1. In 2008, I will lose 50 pounds.
2. In 2008, I will walk/run a total of 500 miles.
3. In 2008, I will try 50 new recipes.

The ONLY way I will excuse not meeting these is the presence of a baby.

There they are. Beautiful, aren’t they?

I look at who I want to be, what I want to achieve, and I realize that I may sound weight focused. I honestly believe that is where my issues are. I have a wonderful marriage, a wonderful family, wonderful friends, and a wonderful home. I hate my job, but I am actively pursuing a change, and will be otherwise employed by February 1st. I wanted my resolutions to be simple, achievable, and health related. And three is my favorite number. So there they are.

I am excited for a new challenge I have found to get me off to a good start. Shannon’s Easter Challenge starts tomorrow. I am excited that it starts on NYE not NYD. I feel like I’m getting a jump-start on my year. And the treadmill people are supposed to come to our workout room tomorrow, so that is helpful. But tomorrow is the Big Weigh In. That makes me really nervous. I haven’t been on the scale since who knows when. But to know that I meet my goal, I have to have a starting point, right?

Well, I have filled out applications and sent out resumes. I make one more stop tomorrow, and then I wait.

I have had 2 disappointments today. First, Nathan and I went to the gym at our complex to do cardio. I was ready to walk to Wheel of Fortune. But no luck. All of the treadmills but one was broken, and the one not broken would not turn on. So I was lazy tonight. We watched the 3rd Pirates movie, and I was disappointed. I liked the last 30 minutes, but the first 2+ hours felt like I was watching something like Braveheart. Not that I don’t enjoy Braveheart, but that’s not what I expect from Jack Sparrow. Oh well.

I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love and have just finished the first section. I really feel like I need to write about how I can learn from the “eat” section before I proceed. (Don’t worry…I won’t ruin the book – no plot secrets here. Just my reactions.)

(On page 32, for anyone interested) The author describes a very powerful communication with God. She talks about wanting peace so badly, and creating a petition to ask God for this peace. She visualizes all those she loves joining with her in this petition, in support of her request, providing her support in her request. I don’t know that I would ever approach God in this way, but it is very empowering. To think that when I have difficulty in my journey to health, I can think of my friends who believe in me. I know that I have the support of Fat Bridesmaid, and Marie, and Shirley, and Token Fat Girl, and Sarah, and Christine. And Nate and Jenifer, of course. It is a powerful visual to me, seeing you all standing around me (like Verizon’s “network”) in times of stress or exhaustion.

The other thing in the first section that I have been really sitting with is the visualization of my struggles. She puts “Depression” and “Lonliness” into human form and into her life. She talks about how they physically invade her space and what they act within her home. I have really been trying to see what Laziness and Boredom look like for me. I think Laziness and Boredom are my problems. I think Laziness is female. She looks like one of those girls who are skinny and pretty without even trying. She’s wearing a UK sweatshirt, pajama pants, has her hair up in one of those messy ponytails, and is hot. She lays on the couch with a bag of chips, watching Oprah, and just rocks. I feel less guilty about being Lazy if she looks like she can be who I want to be without any of the work.

Boredom is just as big of an issue for me. I am actually able to eat healthy portions of food when in stressful situations. Today I only ate half of my Carraba’s. I only ate half of my cheesecake at Kent’s the other night. But then I come home and eat a decent-sized tub of cheese. Because I eat mindlessly. Boredom. But who does Boredom look like? Male or Female? I can’t figure that out. I’ve been sitting with Boredom for 2 days, waiting for an epiphany, but haven’t had one yet. I’ll let you know.

I just thought that visualizing my issues as people was so powerful. And hopefully that will help me recognize and work against my issues. I’m not giving up on a picture of Boredom.

I am almost done finalizing my resolutions. I’m trying to make them concrete and specific, not vague “be better” or “do more.” I’m also trying to figure out a rewards system, but with my career instability, I have to think of something that doesn’t have to do with money. Any suggestions?

Happy New Year’s Weekend!

Okay. I’m back. And I’m fierce. (if not in action, at least no more fluff.)

We are having an awesome vacation at home. We have had dinner with friends and family. We have gone shopping. We have watched tv. We have cleaned out closets. I have generally been avoiding all the stress that is balled up inside me.

First, I am having severe career confusion. I may lose my job next week. (I don’t go back until Wednesday.) I have decided that I am tired. I am tired of the mental health field. I am actually pursuing other options, mainly retail and Starbucks and reception. I am aware that I will probably have to work 1.5 jobs to pull my financial weight in my family, but I am willing to do so in order to be able to feel like I don’t live at my job.

Secondly, I am tired of spinning my wheels with my weight and my health. Just plain tired of it. I am making small steps. I am recording what I eat on mydailyplate.com. For better or worse. I had a salad for dinner last night, even though my friends had fish and chips and the goat cheese dip. I had a salad. No cheese, light on the dressing. I also exercised yesterday. But I’m really sore today. I have big plans for tomorrow.

I have been reading back through my blogs of this year, and I think I have a lot to learn from myself, and you guys. Although the post that struck me most, almost bringing tears, was a quote from the Token Fat Girl. (I quoted you then, and I’ll quote you again now. My original post is here, and her’s is here.)

My point is, is that for whatever reason, like seemingly a lot of people I’ve succumbed to living a half life. I have very sweet moments, but there are so many times that I go through the motions, get caught up in the negative, fight the wrong battles and take advantage of my body and health as if it were here forever. There are things that I want in life and somehow disconnect dreams with reality. Living a so-so life just isn’t acceptable to me anymore. When I die, no one will thank me for not living my life. I don’t mean to be so cliché. Part of me fears being the best I can, what will people think? Do I deserve the best? What is the best? I know deep down that I have been punishing my life with food and self-pity for reasons that ultimately are not that important.

I have a new understanding that I don’t have enough time to be mediocre. I don’t have enough energy to cater to the insecurities of other people. I don’t have enough time to sabotage my health. I don’t have enough time to not live my life. I don’t have time to take for granted my friends and family. I don’t have time to not be the person I dream to be.

I am printing this out, and taking it with me. I think she spoke so well to where I am today. I know I have more blessings than I can count, but that’s no excuse for being satisfied. I am worth more than dreading work every day. I am worth more than laying on the couch and being lazy (especially with the writers strike – seriously).

That being said, I feel really overwhelmed, and I’m not ready for an action plan yet. I have decided that instead of waiting until I get my head straight to blog, I will instead blog to get my head straight. So today, instead of the “what” I am going to do, I am focusing on the “why.”

• I am finding a new job because I am tired and feel totally unrewarded.

That was easy. Now to the big stuff.

I want to be healthy because:

• I want to be able to buy clothes based on how they fit not if they fit.
• I want to be a runner.
• I want to have kids. I truly believe that my weight is playing a huge role in the no-baby arena.
• I want to feel in control of my life.
• I want to feel like I don’t have to hide from people, and God. I want to be honest, transparent, true to who I am. That’s not who I am today.

I am on a mission. I have Nathan’s help. I have faith in myself. And I have the support of all you. You all have no idea how thankful I am for all of you.

What about you? Why do you want to be better? Why do you want to change? Why will you change?

I am almost done with the fluff posts. I am working on a plan to reinvent my thinking. This means getting my health under control and getting my overall priorities in order. I’ve got some things written down, but I am reading and writing to solidify my plan, which will be unveiled on (of course) New Years Eve. However, I am not waiting that long to be “good.” My sugar detox begins tomorrow. I have been bad. Bad in cooking. Bad in eating. (And there are many recipes here that prove it.)

Mom and Dad’s New Cat, Stella. She’s crazy. And mean. But so cute!

Christmas Eve + Hair Pick + Nathan = Bob Ross

Mom and Dad got us bikes!

The Carr Kids and Spouses

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas!

Pre-cooked ham (size depends on your needs)
1 can pineapple, drained, reserving syrup
1 stick butter
1 cup brown sugar

Heat pineapple syrup, butter, and brown sugar until syrup consistency. Add the pineapple back and cook for 10 minutes.

Pour syrup over ham, placing pineapples on ham with toothpicks. Bake for 15 minutes per pound at 325.

1 1/2 big bags shredded hash browns
1 cup chopped onion
1 stick melted butter
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can cream of chicken soup
8 oz. sour cream
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
5 cups frosted flakes, crushed
1/2 stick butter

Combine first 7 ingredients. Place in large, buttered baking dish. Comgine frosted flakes and 1/2 stick butter. Use cereal mixture to cover hash browns. Bake for 1 hour at 350.

1 large can pork and beans
1/2 cup brown sugar
medium onion, chopped
green pepper, chopped
1/2 lb. bacon, chopped
ketchup and mustard, to taste

Brown bacon. Add onion and pepper.

Put beans in a large baking dish. Sprinkle with brown sugar. Add bacon, onion, and pepper mixture. Add ketchup and mustard to your liking. Stir and bake at 350 for 30 minutes.

6 to 8 large baking potatoes
2 cups milk
4 cups chicken broth
2/3 cup flour
2/3 cup butter
8-12 strips bacon, cooked
1 cup sour cream
8 oz mild cheddar cheese, shredded
8 oz sharp cheddar cheese, shredded
3 ribs celery
3 carrots, grated
½ yellow onion
Salt and pepper to taste

Bake potatoes until soft, do not peel. Cube potatoes into ¾ in squares.

In a large soup pot, combine butter and flour to make a roux. Cook for one minute, then slowly whisk in liquids.

Add salt and pepper, potatoes, cooked bacon, carrots, onion and celery. Cook until vegetables are tender. Add cheese and cook until melted. At the last minute, stir in the sour cream. Season to taste with salt and pepper before serving.

Soup will be thick. Add milk to reheat.