Today was a day. Eating still not back on track. No gym. Just kinda blah. I have decided to go to Weight Watchers (for sure) tomorrow evening. It’s not going to be pretty, but I’m going to go.

Not a good night for reality tv. My second favorite dude was voted off American Idol. Chris had some trouble with an odd beat, so what? At least he isn’t a talentless mohawk-wearing freak. (That’s not just my opinion, seriously Sanjaya sucks.) And one of my favorites was voted off America’s Next Top Model. Granted, she didn’t have a ton of talent (like I know what to look for in a model) but she was kind and personable. And aren’t those the characteristics that should win a modeling competition? Seriously. Speaking of “seriously,” I found out today that Grey’s is going to be reruns for the next month. AND there’s talk about cancelling How I Met Your Mother. (Click here to sign the online petition to renew it.) Why do I even bother watching television anymore??

I had a rough day at work today. Co-worker questioning my methods for teaching kids about healthy foods. I’m leading a nutrition group and said that there is no such thing as a “bad food.” I said that we need to be responsible and eat unhealthy foods in moderation. And somehow it’s thought that the kids are going to hear that I’m saying eat whatever you want. I’m not out to create a group of eating-disordered kids who see food choices as a moral dilemma and base their self-worth on what they do and do not eat. Maybe I’m bringing too many of my own issues with food to group, but I see an opportunity to educate kids. And that’s my goal, to educate. Not to judge or bully or scare them into eating healthy. I choose the educational, motivational, and inspirational approach.

Yeah.

I had a crazy dream last night that the sewers in New York were backed up and somehow this was causing sludge to come out of our sinks. But my friend Courtney was dressed like the Gordon’s Fisherman with big kitchen gloves to “save the day!” It was really funny. I don’t know what that means.

So here’s my plan. I’m working on my list of reasons I want to be healthy, the things I want to be able to do, the things I want to accomplish, etc. I’m sure I’ll share it in bits and pieces. I’m starting to run again on April 1. I’m joining Weight Watchers tomorrow with Courtney and Katie. (Katie, who I’ve only met a few times, gives me the feeling that I’m supposed to be her friend, like I’ve known her forever. Maybe there’s a reason for that.) I’m still writing down everything I eat, the good the bad and the ugly.

I need to pray more. I’m still somewhat resistant. I’m really listening to sermon podcasts and really drinking it up. But I think I’m keeping things on an intellectual level. I’m praying for others- my friends and family who are getting married, the people in our church that are ill, my family- but I’m having trouble praying for me and my struggles. And maybe that’s because I’m afraid I’ll get answers that I won’t like, or I’ll learn something I don’t want to know, or I’ll be convicted of something I don’t want to change.

Have I mentioned that I have control issues? I don’t like to ride horses (or bicycles really) ’cause I don’t like feeling out of control. I don’t like to carry cash because I have more control on a debit card. I don’t particularly like swings or rollercoasters (anymore) or (to some degree) new relationships because I don’t like the lack of control or vulnerability. And I’m resistant to ask for help because I want to fix it myself and get the results that I want. I just fear that I’m close to something I don’t want to hear. So I’m not listening. I’m praying, I’m reading, I’m learning, but I won’t let myself listen.

As I’ve sat with my hands in my hair (and a not-so-cute spiky mess as a result), all that keeps running through my head is the chorus of an old Blues Traveler song:

Just wait, just wait, just wait – it will come.

I went and found the lyrics for the entire song. (You can can read them here.) It’s funny how I haven’t heard a song in probably 10 years (my brother Nick had the cd) and I haven’t thought about it in almost that long. And it comes from the blue and makes me feel better. I guess all I can say is that I’m trying to listen.

Now I’m really exhausted, and I’m going to bed.

binge: a period or bout, usually brief, of excessive indulgence, as in eating, drinking alcoholic beverages, etc.; spree.

Does a cookie, brownie, chess square at lunch and four small pieces of pizza and two small pieces of dessert pizza count as a binge? (They really were small, from Giovanni’s pizza buffet). If so, consider me binged.

I am so frustrated. All it took was a Lofthouse cookie (which I only at 3/4 of) and I was off. All good habits were out the window. It is a combination of still losing miniscule weight and the fact that sugar tastes so stinking good. I was amazed at how I crashed from my sugar high. About an hour after my sugar rampage, I was incredibly tired and sleepy, and stayed that way until I went to bed an hour earlier than usual.

But, of course, I do see growth. I stopped eating after the pizza attack. I did not continue to snack when I got home. No cereal, yogurt, fruit, triscuits, nothing. And today I feel okay. I’m not discouraged enough to quit. I am living in the gray area. I know there will be good days and bad days. I have not and I will not give up.

And this “binge” is still better than my eating habits of 2 months ago. It’s back to my original goal of this blog: to respect my body and write down everything that I ate. Respecting my body means loving myself even if my weight does not respond. And I wrote everything down, or at least I acknowledged the bad here. Did I mention that my chicken salad was a total hit at the potluck? Other than the sugar, I had a chicken salad pita and grape tomatoes at the luncheon. I avoided the potato wedges and fried chicken fingers. That’s success, eh?

I think I am going to go to Weight Watchers this Thursday night with Courtney and Katie. It’s going to be difficult because they have little to lose, but that’s okay. I need someone (hopefully a leader) that I can identify with, and I’m willing to give this a shot. Last time I did Weight Watchers I lost 49 pounds. I can do it again. Or get healthy trying.

I ordered two books from Amazon that I hope will keep my motivated. One is by a real psychologist, and I think it will help me. The other I don’t even remember, I just wanted super saver shipping. But it’s diet related too.

I got my new wardrobe from Old Navy and started trying it out yesterday. I love dressing in the summer. I just feel so cute in skirts and tees and flip flops. Today, though, there is rain. So I’m wearing gray and blue with these cute little flats that were made for winter but are too cold for winter. They are really cute shoes, and they work with my outfit.

The title is a lyric flashback related to the weather. Anyone know the reference? Anyone?

Gotta go before my bathwater gets cold. I’m off to work for a short day! I’m off at 5 instead of 6 (but I’m going in at 9, so it’s the same length, just finishing earlier.) So have a great Wednesday!

binge: a period or bout, usually brief, of excessive indulgence, as in eating, drinking alcoholic beverages, etc.; spree.

Does a cookie, brownie, chess square at lunch and four small pieces of pizza and two small pieces of dessert pizza count as a binge? (They really were small, from Giovanni’s pizza buffet). If so, consider me binged.

I am so frustrated. All it took was a Lofthouse cookie (which I only at 3/4 of) and I was off. All good habits were out the window. It is a combination of still losing miniscule weight and the fact that sugar tastes so stinking good. I was amazed at how I crashed from my sugar high. About an hour after my sugar rampage, I was incredibly tired and sleepy, and stayed that way until I went to bed an hour earlier than usual.

But, of course, I do see growth. I stopped eating after the pizza attack. I did not continue to snack when I got home. No cereal, yogurt, fruit, triscuits, nothing. And today I feel okay. I’m not discouraged enough to quit. I am living in the gray area. I know there will be good days and bad days. I have not and I will not give up.

And this “binge” is still better than my eating habits of 2 months ago. It’s back to my original goal of this blog: to respect my body and write down everything that I ate. Respecting my body means loving myself even if my weight does not respond. And I wrote everything down, or at least I acknowledged the bad here. Did I mention that my chicken salad was a total hit at the potluck? Other than the sugar, I had a chicken salad pita and grape tomatoes at the luncheon. I avoided the potato wedges and fried chicken fingers. That’s success, eh?

I think I am going to go to Weight Watchers this Thursday night with Courtney and Katie. It’s going to be difficult because they have little to lose, but that’s okay. I need someone (hopefully a leader) that I can identify with, and I’m willing to give this a shot. Last time I did Weight Watchers I lost 49 pounds. I can do it again. Or get healthy trying.

I ordered two books from Amazon that I hope will keep my motivated. One is by a real psychologist, and I think it will help me. The other I don’t even remember, I just wanted super saver shipping. But it’s diet related too.

I got my new wardrobe from Old Navy and started trying it out yesterday. I love dressing in the summer. I just feel so cute in skirts and tees and flip flops. Today, though, there is rain. So I’m wearing gray and blue with these cute little flats that were made for winter but are too cold for winter. They are really cute shoes, and they work with my outfit.

The title is a lyric flashback related to the weather. Anyone know the reference? Anyone?

Gotta go before my bathwater gets cold. I’m off to work for a short day! I’m off at 5 instead of 6 (but I’m going in at 9, so it’s the same length, just finishing earlier.) So have a great Wednesday!

I really have nothing exciting to say. I’m exhausted. I wanted to keep in the habit of posting.

We had spareribs that soaked in the crockpot all day in this raspberry sauce. Amazing. With a nice salad and corn on the cob. I bought the sauce in Kansas, so now we’ll really have to go back.

I spent an hour making chicken salad for a potluck tomorrow. I love my chicken salad. More fruit than veggies. I’m looking forward to lunch already.

Nate and I took a great walk around our town tonight. It was 79 degrees at 8pm. And I got my new wardrobe in the mail from Old Navy today. So I’m tired, but very content.

I’m going to go to bed and listen to a sermon. I’ll have insight tomorrow!