Today started with a Weight Watchers meeting. I was so hopeful. I had been so stinking honest last week. I had written down every bite I put into my mouth. If I was unsure of points, I added one (sometimes 2) for good measure. I didn’t even use all of my 35 weekly bonus points (I used 21). And I lost an astounding .8 of a pound. Whooptie-freaking-do. I was moderately discouraged. No, I’m going to be honest. I am incredibly discouraged. The meeting discussion was about excuses and things we tell ourselves that allow us to eat. I think it was good to hear, but didn’t apply to me too much today. I have held myself so accountable for 2 weeks to have a massive loss of 1.4. I’m hanging in there.

I am hanging in there. I had a pretty good rest of the day. Nate and I met up with Kent and we went to Stella’s for brunch. They had a buffet for brunch. It was wonderful, locally-grown breakfast foods. And I couldn’t help noticing that I was the only fat person there. That told me that the food mustn’t be too bad for me. I had some cheese grits (more grit than cheese), tomato strata, some sausage and potato hash (very heavy on the veggies) and a little fruit. I left feeling very pleased with the amount I had eaten and the choices I had made. I did not have french toast or biscuits or gravy or bacon or sausage or ham. And I really didn’t want any of those things. I ate just enough. Not too full, but not hungry anymore either. Good times.

Then Nate and I went to Wild Oats. We were after whole wheat linguine and honey. We had a normal honey bear, but we approached one of those free sample tables. The lady was tasting this raw honey. We were suckers. Man, it’s good. I’m excited to try it on our banana honey wraps!

We stopped at Starbucks. I forgot to ask for non-fat milk in my white chocolate latte. Thus I used 8 points instead of 6 (geez, I’m an idiot!). But at least I didn’t go for whipped cream!

Then we came home and got to work on dinner (we’d had a long day!). I fixed Linguine with Asparagus out of this month’s Rachael Ray magazine. It was amazing. (We had salads too…iceberg with a little mozzarella and O’Charley’s reduced fat honey mustard.)

For anyone interested, the recipe is very easy.

Cook 3/4 lb. whole wheat linguine as directed on box. While that is cooking, sautee a chopped onion and 4 chopped garlic cloves in 1/4 cup olive oil. When onions are translucent, add 1/4 cup water, 1 lb asparagus (in 1 inch pieces) and one bag cherry tomatoes. Cover and cook 4 minutes. Drain linguine and toss with asparagus mixture.

Nathan attempted to fix the annoying rub/squeak in our elliptical machine. We thought he was succesful and I got really excited that I’d be able to work out at home tonight. But he reassembled the thing and the noise returned. So it’s still not usable by me. I know we can’t afford a treadmill, but I think I may try to talk Nathan into an exercise bike. We’ll see.

I have spent a lot of times on blogs this evening, looking for inspiration and motivation. Ben’s blog for today hit me hard. He talks about his decision to work through the 12 steps of Overeater’s Anonymous. I know what that’s about – I’ve worked in drug treatment. The program teaches total reliance on God in order to overcome our addictions. Although I do not think I need to work through the steps to ease my weight burdens, I do know that I’m not allowing God to help me. I have stopped praying about my weight. There’s a big part of me that thinks it’s silly to bother God with my weight problems. (I’ll just pray and pray for a baby. That’s what’s really important.) I’ve stopped praying about my food choices, I’ve stopped doing my prayer journal, I’ve stopped listening to sermons. Why? I don’t know.

I don’t want it to sound like I’m deciding to take a good dose of Jesus and expect Him to step in and make me lose weight. That’s not it at all. I’ve taken this all on me…I’ve attempted to control my weight myself. Maybe I’m like some of the kids I work with. Sometimes they are struggling with a task (homework, craft activity, something athletic) and they won’t accept my help. Not only will they not ask, but they won’t accept when I offer. They are so bent on doing it themselves that the don’t even want my help. I think that’s where I am today. Ready to not be so stubborn and ask for help. And actually take it. What will this mean? I don’t know. A few days ago, I said that I was listening, but I don’t think I really was.

So I’m digging out my prayer journal. I’m going to go back to devoting time each morning to really sit and listen. I’m putting new sermons on my iPod, specificially one titled “Leaving Control for Faith”. And I’m working on doing that.