All in all, the weekend went well.

Papaw’s surgery went as well as expected. He’ll have to have chemo, but the outlook is good.

The wedding was beautiful. The ceremony was perfect. The reception was a lot of fun. Good times.

All of our guests have returned to their respective homes after we attended brother-in-law’s college gradutation today (at the youthful age of 27). Then we came back and took a nap.

We ate dinner, I watched last week’s Grey’s, and now I’m going back to bed.

I’ve probably gained back most of the weight I lost. This weekend was incredibly stressful, and I did not take control of my eating. I’ve had Lofthouse cookies and wedding cake and Pepsi.

I will not feel guilty. I am not beating myself up. I am learning from my mistakes. Tomorrow I will be back on track.

Thank you all so much for the positive thoughts. I’m back!

I am exhausted and anxious. Despite those things, I am still hungry.

Last night was a whirlwind. Today I get to work until 6:30 and then drive 3 hours to be with my family during my grandfather’s exploratory surgery (they found some cancer last week). Around 4 today, the family-in-law is starting to arrive at my house for brother-in-law’s wedding on Saturday. That meant a lot of cleaning. Tomorrow after the surgery I drive 3 hours back for the rehearsal dinner and then wedding weekend has officially began.

Oh yeah, last night was a whirlwind. I needed to be wedding ready. So I got a haircut. I’m a sucker for before and after pics, so this is yesterday:

And this is today. (I colored my hair last night too…just a little lighter).

My toes also looked pathetic so I got a pedicure. Yes, I am aware that the color totally blends in with my toes…my dress is a sort of coral color, so I thought it was important to go neutral.

My house is clean, I’m packed, and I’m nervous. I’m nervous to drive alone, I haven’t done it in years. I’m nervous that Papaw will be really sick and I’ll have to decide between being with my family and my married-into-family. I’m most afraid taht the news will be bad, and I’ll have to deal with it without Nathan.

But, as I press everything down and continue some sense of denial, I will share my epiphany.

I now know why Nathan thinks I’m pretty.

I am an optical illusion.

While taking my “before haircut” picture yesterday, I tried to take it in the mirror. At eye level. I looked terrible. All puffy and neckless and round faced…or just round in general. I was getting pretty upset. But then I decided to take it from arms length. Somehow the camera magically gravitated up and tah-dah! I don’t look grotesque in the picture. I look strikingly different if I am photographed from eye level versus above. I have never before been thankful for being short, but I will forever be thankful now.

I’m glad Nathan is tall. I hope the photographer at the wedding is tall as well.

Oh, and the dude I interviewed with last week called last night and said he had some unforseen events, and he wants me to come in for a group interview next week. That is very exciting!

Food choices? I’m not even going to go there.

It’ll probably be Sunday night before I post again, but I will keep you all updated.

So I’ve spent the last few days feeling sorry for myself. I get up early this morning, work on some laundry, and sit down at the computer with my banana and my starbucks drink. I start to read my usual blogs.

Although we don’t know each other, from reading your blogs, I feel like we do. This weight loss thing is hard. We can plan and count and exercise, but we all have times when our bodies don’t make sense and the stresses of life cause us to go back to our old habits. From reading blogs, I have pulled myself out of my self-pity. I have realized that we are all struggling, and we all need some love.

I am sending thoughts and comments of support to the following folks. I hope you do the same.

I LOVE Jeannie’s blog. I understand that sometimes we can eat well but the amounts are unhealthy. And I know what it’s like to not want to buy the healthy treats because they are so expensive. I buy them anyway. She ate a frosty and oreos yesterday. Send her some love.

Amuldoon says that a tooth infection will make her eat less. I can understand that. Sometimes I welcome any sickness that takes my hunger and then get depressed when the weight I lost logically comes back. She feels lost lately. Send her some love.

Totegirl at The Pudge Budge (I love that title!) has been in the middle of work celebrations and luncheons. I know how hard it is to turn down social food. No one wants to tote their lunch in a box into a nice luncheon. And some places we go have no real good choices. For me it’s about realizing what is in my control, listing my proirities, and making the best decisions I can. Sometimes we hang in there by our fingernails, but the fact that we still post shows that we’re hanging in there. Go see her.

Thrilled used to be someone I saw around a lot. She was posting a lot, I saw her comments on a lot of blogs, but not for the last few weeks. I know I don’t blog as often when I am embarrassed by my food intake or my lack of exercise. I’m hoping that similar reasons are not the cause of her hiatus. She has a lot of great things to say. Let’s get her back! Send her some comments!

FatBridesmaid is cooking full-time. She gets turned off by food being around it all day. I don’t think that would happen to me. I worry that with her incredibly hectic schedule, she’ll let her health fall away. She wants to look amazing in that black bridesmaid’s dress! Show her some love.

Annie is someone else that we haven’t seen around for a while. I love learning about Austrailia from her. She posts strange Aussie slang like “Avagudeweegend!” I need to know what that means! I’m also starting a campaign to get her back. Let’s commment like crazy!

So was this a good diversion from hearing about me? It was a nice break from writing about me.

I know how much I need the support from others, and these are some of the people I look to. We all need support. I can’t imagine how I would be doing this without my husband and the inspiration that comes from other bloggers. Thank you so much for sharing your lives with me, and for reading about mine.

My apologies for not being a good blogger…We’re just trying to get ready for the brother-in-laws wedding which is accompanied by many overnight guests here (in 2 days!) and an overnight trip back to the hometown for my grandfather’s surgery. Ugh!

My eating has totally gone down the tubes. I have managed, however, to only go food crazy one meal per day. For example, yesterday I had a huge cheeseburger for lunch, so for dinner I had a little pasta and alot of veggies. Today I had a healthy lunch, and pizza for dinner. Sometimes it’s about just doing what I can. I knew this week would be crazy, and I’ve tried my best to prepare. I’m frustrated, and that’s a good thing. I want to get back on track. I want to get my life back. But right now, it’s cleaning and mentally preparing myself for not knowing how sick my grandfather is. Oh, and did I mention that I loathe my job?

I meant to write about the sermon on Sunday. We had a guest speaker, this guy who runs a ministry for the deaf. He was a great speaker and really involved stresses in the life of our particular church in his sermon. Although his sermon was about loving children, I got stuck on one sentence: God loves who I am today. I forget that sometimes. (I think I blogged about this once before…right after I started…but it still hasn’t sunk in.) I tend to put my worth and my love of myself into the future. I will be worthy when I am thin. I will be worthy when I am a mother. I will be worthy when I respond to a dozen blogs a day. I will be worthy when I am in a job where I am respected and appreciated. But I am worthy of love today. God loves the Krissie of today. Nathan loves the Krissie of today. So why can’t I love the Krissie of today? I’m going to try. And here’s how.

1. I am only going to buy clothes that fit. No more of this “It’ll fit someday!” crap. I am worth looking cute today, not just when the number is not embarrassing.
2. I will stop looking at old pictures and beating myself up for gaining the weight back. Guilt and remorse will not cause the pounds to disappear.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I’m just going to follow those guidelines and see what I need to add as I go. Isn’t it pathetic that I seriously base my self-worth on my weight? I know I am a great wife, I am really good at my job, I am a good cat-mom, I am somewhat funny, I bathe every day and I wear clean clothes. But somehow walking around with blubber makes me a bad person. That’s crap. I’m not going to tell myself that anymore. At least I’m going to make an effort to stop myself.

It’s almost time for American Idol. Then I get to wash dishes and straighten up this desk and our house is clean! Nate just got in from several hours of yardwork. I must go greet him.

The interview went really well! I am excited on one hand because it seems like an awesome place to work, but kinda down because they already had the position filled. So why did he call me in for an interview? He plans on hiring again in 2-3 months, and he wanted to have me lined up. As disappointed as I was not to walk out with a new job today, that this is what’s best. Even though I am ready to move on, I know that Nathan may find a job somewhere else geographically, so it’s best for us to keep our options open for now. And that job is a big option for us. We could move back to Lexington (although I’m willing to make the drive if we stay here). All in all, good stuff.

I’ve had some trouble with the eating today. Did well at breakfast and lunch, but again dinner was a booger. We went to the Fudgery. I did well with a sandwich and a cup of soup. But then the owner brings out rum cake. For free. So I eat a piece. Oh well. Hopefully it didn’t sabotage my day too much. Weigh in is tomorrow! I want to lose .8 so I can get my pedicure!

Thanks so much for the acknowledgements of the goal pants! Tonight was still yet another victory. I got a pair of pajama pants from the Mother-In-Law at Christmas that I never wore ’cause I knew they wouldn’t fit. Well, just for fun I pulled them out of the drawer and they fit! And they are comfortable! If I can tell this much difference with 4.2 pounds lost, what am I going to do when I’ve lost 10?

Well, all, it’s time for me to go to bed. Gotta get a good nights sleep for the weigh in tomorrow!

My brother, Nick, lives for May the Fourth. He thinks the wish is hilarious. I agree. Just say it out loud, in any Star Wars voice. You’ll understand.

Yesterday was good. I stuck to my meal plan all day, until dinner. Another stressful day at work. (Something needs to be done that no one wants to do? Krissie isn’t in the office, so we’ll send her to do it!) So after work, I didn’t want to cook. We went to our other favorite coffee shop hangout, The Hub, where I had an amazing Thai Salad. Mixed greens, chicken, mandaring oranges, chow mein noodles, and a sesame penaut dressing. Very good. Oh, and a fortune cookie!

Grey’s Anatomy is going down the tubes, I believe. I do not like the new Addison Show. The Grey’s main characters are charming, in part, due to their youth. Seeing “grown ups” act in a similar fashion is just pathetic. I don’t think I’ll watch. But even the story line with the usual cast is making me want to vomit. George and Izzy? Derrick meeting someone new next week? Meredith’s newly-bonded step mommy dying? Making Burke second guess the relationship with Christina? Groan. 2 more episodes. Then I can reevaluate for several months and be excited again in the fall.

And today is very exciting. Yesterday I wore my first pair of “goal pants.” I bought these jeans about a year ago, and wore them in public for just the third or so time yesterday. By the time I got home, they were loosey goosey. So today, in honor of my interview, I decided to try on a pair of khakis that I bought just by looking at the tag (very misleading) that I have never worn, only rarely gotten to button. They fit! They fit nicely too. Such a nice boost for my job interview (at 3 for anyone concerned).

I have no idea what my food plan looks like today. It’s okay not to plan. I’ve got too much other stuff going on (like being nervous!) and I’ll probably have to make myself eat anyway.

Have a great day! I’ll let you know how the interview goes!

I have reached a new low. It started with last night: I voted for an Amerian Idol for the first time. Then, tonight, I downloaded not one, but THREE, songs by Blake Lewis, my favorite. I hang my head in shame, as I listen to Love Song, You Keep Me Hanging On, and You Give Love a Bad Name over and over. I’m disgusted with myself. But I sure do love my dear Blake!

Today has been a day of ups and downs. I’m feeling somewhat better. Still draining, but I went to work. Work was work. We are all in different stages of the same uber-cold. The kids were punks. Nothing new.

I did apply for a new job today (shhh!). I interview on Friday. I feel pretty good about it. The dude hiring used to be my boss, and in his email response to my resume said, “Girl, give me a call.” That makes me feel pretty good about things. But I want to make sure I am interested in the job before I let my current employer know. I feel a little guilty. Just a little.

But then I get home to discover that our lovely cats have used our entire upstairs as their litterbox. As in every room. Someone was obviously sick. Or both of them. Must have been both. Nathan had most of it cleaned up when I got home and he was pretty frustrated. So we went to the Fudgery.

And that’s where the evening went awry. I had eaten on schedule today up to that point. But there I had a meatloaf sandwich and a big scoop of chocolate ice cream. I don’t have any idea how to count them. I just figure that the combo took the remaining 8 daily points and remaining 15 weekly points. I just gotta be really good for 2 more days…

I have such good intentions, and then I just don’t stick with the plan. I do so well until I get home. I think it’s because I am so focused at work and I really don’t have time to think that I need a snack or that I don’t really want to eat what I brought for lunch.

I hope that some of that focused-ness carries over into after-work-hours for the rest of the week. This time next week, we will have all kinds of houseguests before and during Nate’s brother’s wedding and graduation. So we have a lot of housecleaning to do. We keep a neat house, but we often ignore dusting everywhere and sweeping in rooms that we’re not in all that often. And we kinda live in piles. Neat piles, but piles. And those need to disappear. We have a whole week! I just hope the cats don’t decide to pull a repeat of today’s disaster while we have company…

Wow. Bedtime snuck up on me quickly tonight. So here is my eating plan for tomorrow.

Breakfast (6 points):
Starbucks drink
Banana

Lunch (9 points):
McD’s Southwest Chicken Salad and Dressing

Dinner (9 points):
Flat-Out Pizza
Salad and Dressing

Snacks (4):
Popcorn
String Cheese

I am sticking with the plan! I am one with the plan!

Thank you for indulging me with my photographic journal for today.

And here is tomorrow’s food plan:

Breakfast (6):
Starbucks
Banana

Lunch (8):
Salad Kit (some turkey with cranberries and raspberry dressing…Louis Rich, maybe?)
6 Cracked Pepper Triscuits

Snack (2):
Fiber 1 Bar/Popcorn

Dinner (8):
Flat-Out Pizza (1 for wrap, 2 for sauce, 4 for cheese)
Salad with Sesame Ginger dressing

Dessert (3):
Chocolate Pumpkin Muffin

Have a great Wednesday!