So this is it.
Here we go.
I feel like my life is not my own. I feel like I keep chasing my own tail. I have always had difficulty with shades of grey. I’m more of one-or-the-other person.
And nothing says that more than my attitude toward myself.
I struggle a lot with pride and self-loathing.
I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense at first. How can I both be prideful and disgusted with myself at the same time? It’s really just 2 sides of the same coin. And I’m going to fight the urge to spell it out in a long winded spiel. The short of it is I am prideful because my motivation to get healthy is to look good. And I’m self-loathing because I do genuinely despise the way I look and the lack of things my body can do.
And that is a huge distraction in my life. And it’s also sinful.
I never thought of my self-loathing thoughts as sinful until very recently. I listen to a lot of podcasts, and one of my favorites recently has been a lecture called “Honoring God by How You Eat” – a lecture from Seattle Pacific University sometime in 2005. The main message from the lecture is that my body is not something to be fixed, not a problem to be solved. My body is a gift from God – a gift for me to enjoy. Conquering my self-critical behavior will only come from understanding that. God gave me this body. It does what it does. It is what it is. I was created by God and what He creates is good. By doubting the goodness of myself I am doubting God and His creation. I don’t want to do that. I want to be good to myself because God is so very good to me. (So very good to me.) I have so often felt that my soul and my body don’t match. But I am me. The whole picture. I can’t separate that picture. I shouldn’t want to. I honestly believe I can only conquer my negative attitude by deepening my understanding that I am worthy of love – from God, from Nathan, from myself. And I can’t do that if I continue to beat myself up.
The other point from the lecture that stuck with me is that I am a steward of my body. I need to take care of my body not because I want to be skinny or hot or look good in a certain pair of pants. I should take care of my body because God has created it for me and I should take care of what I have been given. I have been approaching this weight loss thing from totally the wrong angle. I have focused on what I can see happening on the outside. What the scale says. What size my pants are. How many minutes I exercise or how many calories I eat. I need to work on my health as an expression of taking care of what God has given me.
I don’t know exactly how to center my focus on “healthy” instead of “weight loss.” How to not motivate myself by frustration with how I look. How to somehow take what I know about how my body works and losing weight and somehow make God the focus of my efforts. I know it’s gonna take a lot of reading, a lot of prayer, a lot of refocusing. But I don’t think I can continue to document it here.
There’s something that is so self-defeating about making promises/plans and then having to publicly declare that they fell through. I just can’t do that anymore.
I’ve got to get myself together. And I’ll see you when I get there. Or at least a lot closer.
Hi Krissie! I understand where you’re coming from. It is tough to lose weight. I felt like that, too. …..So many times. In fact, I sort of felt like that little boy who cried wolf. You know the story. Well, I’m the girl who cried weight loss so many times that the folks around me probably got tired of hearing it and not seeing any results. My Dear Husband has always been supportive of me and my half hearted attempts. I think it eventually got to the point of him rolling his eyes and saying….Alright….whatever. Well, I went back to Weight watchers and started again for the umpteenth time and what do ya know? …..It finally clicked and I’m losing weight. Hallelujah! Don’t beat yourself up and know that you are NEVER alone in your journey….whatever it may be…Marriage, weight loss, work, cooking….etc. I know I’m not alone when I say I do enjoy seeing your recipes and pictures of that cute couple You and Nathan are. :) Keep on blogging because you really do it well! It doesn’t have to be about losing weight. We think you’re great no matter what size you are, sister! I just say take things one day at a time and pray and enjoy your life. Life is far too short and we need to live while we’re alive!!! :)
This is what keeps me going : Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” ….and YOU CAN!!!! :)
Hi dear. I’m so impressed by your courage and honesty. I’ve been thinking a lot about how hard it is to acknowledge failure lately– to ourselves, and to others. But I honestly think that, whatever the end result, God can use our process of getting there as a powerful tool for GOOD.
The company that I used to work for made women’s work out apparel, and the motto was, “A fit woman is a powerful woman.” I loved that. I loved that we were encouraging women to be fit not to look good, not to be skinny skinny– but to be strong, and empowered.
It’s important to find our validation outside of the worldly stuff, and this blog is proof that you are. But having that knowledge and security in God, you have every reason to keep trying. If you mess up? You have a big pool of grace to cushion the fall.
I believe in you. :) No matter what size you are!!!
I’m so glad I found your blog again!!! I hadn’t realized that my feed wasn’t catching your updates on the Mac blog – I thought you have just decided to stop blogging until I accidentally clicked on the link and saw all of the updates.
I’m sorry you are struggling – I feel the same way. I’ve really wanted to work on myself since my 40th birthday is approaching in three months and I just feel like such a failure in life right now on all fronts. I need to get back to a place where I love myself again. It’s been a long time since I felt that way. Can’t wait to travel along on your journey as well.
Hiya Chrissie… I just checked out your blog for the first time in AGES and am really sorry to hear that you are going through a rough patch at the moment.
I think that feelings of failure and frustration (about slow progress) are natural when you are trying to change yourself physically and/or spiritually. If you feel like you have hit a wall with your weight loss journey and blogging perhaps it is time to try something new to freshen things up and try and get your motivation back (ie, try a new sport, start yoga/meditation, do some martial arts or get a personal trainer). Perhaps shifting your focus from the goals/end results to the actual challenge that you give your body will help (ie, shift the focus to the ‘present’ instead of the future/past).
I hit a wall a few months ago and was very close to giving up so I got a personal trainer and started a 12 week body revolution challenge to kick me back into motion – it was the best thing I could have done. My trainer got me enthused about exercise (a miracle in itself) and because I was working out more my diet naturally improved. Now I am nearly two thirds to my goal weight – it’s taken me 8 months to get this far which is hilarious given I initially thought I could get to my goal weight in 4 months max…. it has been a sloooow and often frustrating journey. But its worth it.
Well… I hope that some of what I have said is of some help. Hang in there girl, don’t give up on blogging completely (unless you know for sure it’s not for you)… your blog is fantastic, even during the difficult times. I think you should be proud of yourself for the progress you have made, and if you haven’t lost any weight – it doesn’t matter…. You are no doubt a stronger person for making the attempt to get healthy and you have helped many others through your blog.
Good luck.
The link to my blog didnt work – in case you are interested… http://www.bigfatforang.wordpress.com :)