I have a few minutes to spare this morning, and I was looking through my pictures and I noticed something interesting.

Nathan and I are kinda snobbish when it comes to having our picture taken. I have always prefered for Nathan to take our picture himself. We’ve mastered the arms-length shot. I always thought I looked better that way.

I had no idea.

I just came across some pictures from October of last year. I don’t know how much I weighed, but I’m sure it was around my highest weight. Anyway, this is a picture his brother took of us with our camera.

And this is a picture Nathan took the same day. The only differences are that I had taken off my coat and that Nathan took the picture himself.

Isn’t that crazy? I think that may be part of the reason I didn’t realize how heavy I’d gotten – the majority of my pictures look like the second one!

Okay, carry on.

And find a man who can take arms-length pictures. They’re good for the ego.

So I started Adipex on Friday. It has taken some adjustment.

Friday: Woo! I was crazy! So much energy throughout the day. And I didn’t think about eating all day. I usually eat lunch at 11:30, and I looked up at 1:00 and realized I hadn’t eaten. We went to Relay for Life and I realized I should probably eat, so I had a banana. I was up until 3am and never got hungry. Walked 8 miles and had energy to walk more, but I also had a huge blister on each heel. I was happy that I slept very well that night.

Saturday: Day 2. I didn’t want to eat. At all. I just felt full. I had to force myself to eat half of a bowl of oatmeal. I ate half of a tuna salad sandwich for lunch and had to force myself to eat the rest. I had one piece of pizza for dinner. Calorie-wise, I really needed to eat a second piece of pizza, but I just couldn’t make myself do it. I napped throughout the day and still slept well overnight. So that was nice.

Sunday: Day 3. Felt MUCH more even. Got up at 7:30 feeling well-rested. Dry mouth seems to be less severe. Still not getting hungry, but I was able to eat without feeling disgusted. I decided at each meal how much I needed to eat to meet my calorie needs. And I didn’t think twice about it. Dinner, for example. Margherita pizza and salad.

Before the food even came, I knew I was going to have one piece of pizza and as much salad as I wanted. And that’s exactly what I did. I finished this salad when I was about half done with the pizza. So I had a second serving of salad about the same size and finished the pizza. I was done way before Nathan and Kent. There was a lot of pizza left. I didn’t want a second piece. And I was shocked by that. I usually have 3 pieces and about twice as much salad.

Verdict on Adipex so far? It has taken some adjustment. And I know I’m still getting adjusted. First 2 days, I didn’t even feel like me. Today I feel much more even and I feel like it has just turned off my emotions in my food choices. I haven’t thought about eating outside of meal times. I actually haven’t thought of eating at all. It’s good I have Nathan around to initiate meals because I’m not feeling any hunger.

Typically, this past weekend would have been very difficult for me. The food at Relay for Life? Sausages and peppers. Snow cones. Cotton candy. Brownies. Cookies. Pop. All of the things that are usually my downfall. The entire time there? I ate a banana and drank about four bottles of water. We spent the rest of the weekend at Mom’s and Nate’s Mom’s. Where there is candy in bowls and chips in the kitchen and good cooks all around. And I had no trouble staying on course.

For the first time ever, I’m able to see food as fuel and making the best decision based on long-term goals instead of short-term goals. I’m making an eating plan before I even fill my plate. The emotions around food are gone. I don’t know what to think about it. But I’m hoping that by the time I’m off the medication, these thoughts and behaviors will be a strong habit. I realize I need to get my calorie intake back up, and I have been eating more each day. I know this medication is not forever, but I also know that I needed something to help me leave 219.

And it’s been really hard to stay off the scale!

Friday night, my family participated in our local Relay for Life in honor of my Papaw. 8 miles. Lots of laughs. A few tears. Not a lot of words. But I do have pictures.

I appreciate those of you who donated and those of you who sent me encouraging tweets. You encouraged me more than you know.

I went to the doctor today. For my yearly. With a question. That I didn’t want to ask.

I don’t know that I’ve ever felt that important with someone who didn’t love me. The doctor (and her doctor-in-training) asked me a million questions. About family medical history, about my relationship with my husband, about my relationship with God, about my outlook on having children, about my concerns about my health, and about my weight.

She was very excited about my progress. The last time I’d seen her, I was at my highest weight. And today I was 2 pounds down from last week’s weigh-in, so she was seeing an even 20 pound loss since my last visit in November. I told her how I’d lost that weight from February to May and how I’ve stalled since the beginning of May. I’d maintained for a few weeks, gotten frustrated, and gone half-assed. And that I’ve continued to maintain with my partially-committed behavior.

She asked me if I’d ever considered medication to help me lose weight.

The truth is that I had. And I set her up for asking me without my having to actually bring up the medication issue myself.

I’ve thought about it a lot for the past week or so. I’ve seen a friend have success. I’d spent most of the morning doing internet research. I knew what I wanted. I had a good idea of what would work for me because of my reaction to a heavy-duty decongestant. But I was nervous to bring it up to her.

Why? Is it cheating? What am I afraid of?

I mean, I’m out here blogging. About almost everything. And this is something I can’t imagine not telling you. But am I afraid of your reaction or of what I would think of myself?

I’ve got to worry about me. I don’t think anything negative about anyone who has used medication as a tool within a healthy lifestyle. Or anyone who colors their hair, wears Spanx, or gets a fake tan to help her meet her goals and feel better. I just have to take my non-judgmental feelings and apply them to myself.

But we also discussed diet and exercise. I think I said, “Yep, I do that” about a million times. We talked about eating cleaner, exercising to the point of really sweating, planning meals and exercise. She asked me if I felt validated because I already know what to do. Of course I know what to do! But there’s nothing wrong with getting help. I know that I will have to do all the work myself. I’ve just got the Cliff’s Notes in my back pocket.

And I’m safe around rusty nails ’cause she snuck in a tetanus shot.

When I was in college, my friends and I passed around the Conceited Award. It was just figurative, though. It would have been nice to have an actual trophy, but we didn’t. Any time any of us said something that could be seen as bragging, we announced “Conceited Award!” and teased mercilessly.

Those were the days.

Today, my friends, I give myself the Conceited Award. And I’m okay with that.

I was walking down the hall in the hospital (to get my second cup of ice for the day) when I caught my reflection in the gift shop window. And I realized I looked cute. Not just “I threw things together and don’t look half bad” cute but “I just got made over by Stacy and Clinton!” cute.

So cute that I backtracked back to my office, got my phone, and headed to the one restroom with a full-length mirror.

Because I had to record my cuteness.

My acceptance speech for the Conceited Award would go something like this:

I would like to thank Lerner for making this adorable sweater and these even cuter flowers to pin on it. Although I will never call you New York & Co, I will still love you and buy many, many things from your store. I would like to thank DSW for sending me both a reward certificate and a $10 coupon (and letting me use both of them at once) so I could afford these killer shoes. I am eternally grateful for my hair straightener that came from some kiosk in some mall in Atlanta. The best expensive impulse buy ever.

I would also like to thank lentils, apples, the Lose It! app on my iPhone, and Jillian Michaels. Without any of you, I might not have fit into this adorable get-up.

Thank you and goodnight!

I’ve been thinking about this all wrong.

I’ve been looking for things in the future to motivate me. What my life will be like when I lose the weight. When we live in Asheville. When we have kids.

Thinking about wanting to be thinner by BlogHer. By the family girls’ trip to Savannah. By Christmas.

Thinner so that we’ll have a better chance of having kids.

After eating very well today, and minimal rests during 30-Day Shred, I thought about what has changed the last few days, why my motivation has found me.

My motivation is coming from experiences I have already had instead of experiences that are ahead of me.

• I had an awesome Saturday with the Blog Ladies. It was so nice being able to chat about blogging and weight loss and the things we don’t blog about. Having so much in common and believing in them is helping me believe in me.
• I can wear clothes in Lerner/NY&Co, Banana Republic and JCrew. Not just pour myself into them, but they actually fit and I could wear them out in public. And now that more clothes fit, I can be more selective.
• I am not sure that I can straighten my hair tonight because my arms are so sore from Jillian.
• I have not had frozen yogurt since Thursday.
• My darling husband had a really tough run yesterday and I’m proud of him. If he did it, so can I!

So, to use a tagline I’ve missed on Tuesday nights, what have you done today to make you feel proud?

I went back to Weight Watchers today.

I haven’t been since June 5. The day before the wedding in Floyd.

I haven’t been because I was scared. Scared because I haven’t been focused at all. Scared because I’ve eaten what I want to eat. I haven’t exercised. Just scared.

And, even though I always go in the afternoon, today I went after work.

The outcome?

I gained. 8/10 of a pound.

Really? Not even a whole pound? I mean, what in the world have I been doing? And I came very close to maintaining?

Yep.

So what does this mean? That I am back. I haven’t done much damage.

And I really want that new iPhone.

I have a date with 30-Day Shred in 45 minutes. And I’m committed to my photo journal at growlinmytummy.com.

And, just for fun, I took a progress picture today. 219.8, but not for long!

So I know I need to be accountable with what I eat.

And I know that all of you aren’t interested in my daily eats.

But if you are, I’ll be posting at www.growlinmytummy.com .

Every bite. Every day.

And at least go check out my header. I made it all by myself!