Daily Archives: June 19, 2009

a telephonic invasion

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I cannot thank you all enough for your feedback on my last post. As much as I hate it that so many of you have had similar struggles, it helps so much to be reminded that I am not alone. You all are seriously awesome.

Know what else is awesome?

I have found my motivation today. Hello little friend!

Picture 5I REALLY want a new iPhone. Between the audio and video recording and the improved camera and the increased memory, I spent my day covered in drool.

But wait. What in the world does this beautiful piece of technology have to do with my stubborn scale?

I’m investing $10 per pound lost. Actually putting the paper money in a jar. That way I’ll be able to actually see my progress AND we won’t really notice the money if it is $10 at a time instead of $300 at once.

IMG_1305

Alright, boys and girls, hang on. Get ready to watch me shrink and watch the jar get full.

And make sure you’re following me on Twitter! I’m hanging out with these awesome girls tomorrow! I’m sure we’ll tweet all about it!

why can’t we seem to keep it together?

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and by “we,” I mean “me.” But that’s not how the song goes.

I read something on my about me page that made me really sad. But also made me think.

I really have lost and gained the same 20 pounds over and over and over.

Seriously. I’ve gone through the exact same cycle over each of the last 4 years. I weigh myself after Christmas and find myself between 237 and 239. And then I get myself in gear and end up at 219. Then I spend the rest of the year getting back to the cusp of 240.

That made me get out my old Weight Watchers records. Don’t you know it? Every time I’ve joined (after 2003), I bottom out at 219. Hit a plateau and stay there for a solid month. It doesn’t matter if I started at 230 or even 221. I get stuck at 219. And then what do I do? I quit.

Where am I? 219. How long have I been there? The beginning of May.

Why?

I don’t know.

When I hit 219, I was so excited to be out of the 220s. I worked my butt off for the next 2 weeks and nothing changed. I stayed totally on target with eating. I started running. But when the scale still didn’t move, I started slipping a little. And for the last month, I’ve been doing things about half-way.

My motivation is pretty much gone. I don’t even know the last time I worked out. I want to want to do it. But I’ve psyched myself out now.

I’m feeling stuck even though I’m not trying to move.

I’m shopping well, but I’m still eating crap at the hospital for lunch. I plan EVERY DAY to do some sort of exercise when I get home, but I just don’t do it.

I need to figure out what my next step is but I’m so tired of my plans. I put things out there, and then I don’t stick to it. Where is my focus? My determination? My belief in myself?

I hate 219. I hate 239 more, but I hate 219 today.