I’ve tried to explain how I feel to Nathan, but he just doesn’t get it.
I don’t know that anyone who hasn’t been fat can completely understand. But I’ll give it a try.
I’ve been very limited to what I can wear. Been restricted to the plus sized section. To Lane Bryant. Resorted to praying that the biggest size in Old Navy would fasten and not look like I poured myself into it.
Today I had to go shopping. I realized that the dress pants I was wearing just didn’t cut it. And when a belt is too big, it doesn’t help hold up pants that are too big.
So off to the mall I went. I started at my new favorite, Lerner/NY&Co. Even though I find the email I received from them absolutely hilarious, I bought the jeans in the advertisement. I had tried them on before but today they fit! I also bought a black cardigan because I don’t think I have one. I also tried on an awesome dress that I totally rocked, but I didn’t know where I’d wear it and I already have a black strapless dress. So the sweater and the jeans. That was all. But I snapped my daily picture in the dress and the sweater. I have a waist!
Then I headed to Gap. I didn’t find anything I had to have. I found a pair of jeans I would have liked, but they only had an 18 and they were (gasp!) too big. I stood there in disbelief. I’ve walked through Gap so many times with Nathan, just petting all the clothes, not even thinking about trying anything on because I knew nothing would fit. And today. Something was too big. In Gap. It was almost more than I could handle.
On a whim, I decided to step across the hall from Gap. Into the Limited. I don’t think I’ve been in the Limited since 2004. But I grabbed a few things off the clearance racks. A sales lady offered me a dressing room. “Have you lost weight?” she asked. I simply said yes. “I can tell,” she said. “Your pants are massive.” I laughed, thanked her, and told her that’s why I was there.
I tried a few things on, and she asked how I was doing. I was embarrassed to tell her I couldn’t open the doors because I was crying. I was wearing a 16. In the Limited. She proceeded to bring me pants and more pants and so many shirts to try. And the next thing I knew, I had an entire wardrobe – that fit! from Limited! – in front of me.
She asked me if I needed anything else and I said no, that I had some narrowing down to do. She laughed and informed me that the clearance items were marked down an additional 40% from the lowest price.
At that point, I said a prayer of gratitude, loaded up with my bounty, and headed to the register.
An entire wardrobe. 6 pair of dress pants, 7 tops, 1 dress…
I am not kidding.
I am very pleased with the price of my wardrobe, but I cannot stop thinking about the experience. I can wear clothes from normal stores. I can try something on and decide if it looks good or not. In the past, if it buttoned, I bought it. But now I can make choices. I can decide if I prefer the shiny black pants or the soft black pants. I have control over how I look because I have options.
I feel like a new person. I am so proud of where I am because I have tried so hard. I put in hard work every day. I’ve skipped sweets and drinks and seconds. And EVERY FREAKING CHOICE was worth it.
And I’m not done yet.
Aw, this post made me a little teary! (It probably doesn’t help that that Tracy Chapman song ALSO always makes me a little teary, but anyway …)
I am starting to have those clothing moments too, and I think you’re right, I don’t know if you can understand unless you’ve been fat, unless you’ve known the feeling that even the clothes on your back make you an ‘other’. I am so excited for you! (Also jealous, holy bargain shopping!)
I cannot believe my bargains. And I’m happy that you picked up on Fast Car. For years, I had no idea what she said in that line.
Okay, I teared up reading this. I’m so proud of you girl! Those clothes are worth every penny and then some.
Thank you, friend.
I swear–16 is such a magical, beautiful number! It’s like a pivot, an introduction into a whole new world when you’re not only on *that* side of the store (or in that store to begin with), but also not wearing the biggest size they have to offer. I remember trying on a 16 in jeans (my nemesis when it comes to shopping) at Sears only because every *other* size was too big and looked ridiculous. I bought them. They cost 45 dollars. That’s the most I’ve ever paid for jeans because no other pair was ever worth it. It’s soooo liberating. I remember the change in shirt sizes. Wearing an L? What? an M? Are you kidding–I used to get XL T-shirts when a 2X would have fit better, just because I felt like it belonged more to ‘normal’. Krissie, I am right there with you. I am so glad you had such a wonderful experience shopping (*price tags and all*)…I sometimes still feel weird walking on the ‘regular’ side of some stores–as if I’m trespassing or sneaking around getting away with something, but I think it’s part of what you were talking about in an earlier post about coming to think of yourself as you are *now*, in this moment. My God, it’s beautiful. Shopping, and even just trying-on, experiences like that are so much more rewarding (in my opinion) than any number on the crummy old scale!
Also I’m curious: I got that same email from NYC and I couldn’t tell what the jeans legs are like–I frighten even myself in anything resembing a triangle leg (“tapered”) but if it’s straight down or wide leg, that’s potential.
I think I’m getting ahead of myself–I’m a few months away from pants that don’t have a big panel in the belly but I got so excited reading this post I can’t help myself.
The legs are pretty much straight. They don’t look or feel tapered at all. They are just so soft that I couldn’t help myself!
Congratulations! I can’t wait for the day when I get to go to the “normal” section of the store. Heck, I can’t wait for the day when I actually want to go to the store because something might look good on me. My goal is to someday be able to purchase something from Ross or TJ Maxx. But, the joys of going to the mall and having your pick of stores instead of having to limit yourself to one (or two if it’s a really good mall) or the back corner of the larger stores. I might end up liking shopping after-all.
I’m sure you will!
I also had a lump in my throat when I read this! Way to go, girl!
krissie, i love this post and love even more that you had this experience. you look so amazing in that the dress and I could imagine everything else you tried on. I haven’t worn the gap since highschool and never even looked the way at the limited, or any other mall boutique stores. The clothing world is now open to you because of your hard work. So proud of your accomplishments!
“The clothing world is now open to you…”
Uh oh.
Thank you! I am so excited to go shopping now! You’ll have to help keep me in check in Chicago.
Hahaha Nathan… :)
I was just about to comment that Nathan better make room in his side of the closet!
Way to go gorgeous. You deserve it.
and way to go Nathan, your wife is a knockout!
AMAZING! I loved this post, you look so fantastic. WOW. Great
I think you did a wonderful job of explaining how it feels! Isn’t it magical? To be in normal stores and feel like you’re welcome there? Like you aren’t out of place?
Awesome bargains – Makes me feel like shopping!
i’m teary reading this, and want to print your post and keep it in my car when the drive thru’s tempt me.
Congrats, Krissie! Enjoy this beautiful time. What a fabulous deal too!
Congrats! I can’t stop smiling for you! That must have felt good beyond belief! :)
great big WOW. hooray to you! i just so know what it feels like – just this summer i slimmed back into a little skirt which i love so much but couldn’t fit in anymore. it makes you sit on top of the world!
btw – you don’t look like a size 16 to me (i had to look it up because in Germany, we have a different system) – i am a 12/14 and i would have thought you are about my size…
you look very pretty, anyway!
Congratulations! Your posting made me think of the first time I lost weight when I was 24. I had lost 15 lbs and I needed new pants. I went into a shop, put on a pair of size 15 – expecting to squeeze into them and they were too big! Then size 13. I hadn’t been a size 13 since I was 13! I cried. I had spent all my teens and early twenties squeezing into 16s and just buying whatever could button up. It was a revelation. Thank you for bringing me back to that moment. Keep up the great work!