Today has been a great day. For reasons I’m not ready to go into right now. (No, not a baby.) Because I’m afraid if I say it out loud, it might not be true. Or it might be true and I’ll have to consider all the scariness that is coming along with it. Good news. Good news that I know I can make work somehow, and that I am thankful that I have time to transition to make it less scary.

Confused yet? Sorry. I shouldn’t even mention things I’m not willing to talk about right? Sorry.

Just know I’m doing the happy dance. You should do it with me.

But not the electric slide. I’ll never do it again ’cause the dj didn’t have it at our reception (in 2003, it was a big deal to have music on mp3, and no backup when the computer crashes), so I didn’t get to do it in my wedding dress. So I’m never doing it again.

I’m also not a big fan of the chicken dance. Like I really need to wiggle my arse to bring attention to it.

I LOVE whatever dance FatBridesmaid is doing here. (BlogHer elevator pictures – sigh.) But I don’t know that I have the talent to replicate it without her explicit instruction.

So let’s all do the Charlie Brown dance, okay? Because life is good. Because God is good. Because fall is good. Because running is good. Because opportunity is good.

Because good things are happening. And I’m embracing the good things. Even the scary ones.

We are listening to Sinatra. Hence the subject line. We are exciting folks.

I don’t really have a blog post for today, but I have totally revamped my “my plan” page and created a whole new page for progress pictures. And I really don’t have a lot to say today other than that. And I said a lot there.

So go check them out.

Oh, and if you know of any cool weight loss/fitness apps on the iPhone that I need to know about, please share! You can always tell me about games and funny apps as well. I really like playing on my phone!

I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday!

I love Saturdays. Watching tv with a blanket. Watching the drizzle outside. Knowing that I’ve already got laundry more than halfway accomplished for the day. Sigh. And we don’t have a lot planned today. Church tonight, maybe a bookstore between now and then. Just a nice, lazy day.

I am so incredibly thankful for all of your warm and heart-felt comments yesterday. It is so strange to me that the post that I really put the least thought into – the post I just sat down and wrote on the fly – was the post that got such a reaction. Thank you so much for letting me share my life with you. And for making me feel understood, loved, and normal.

You know what else makes me feel understood? What Not to Wear. Did anyone else watch last night with the cello player? She was so adorable and she had no idea. I don’t think my body image issues are as distorted as hers were, but it really makes me think that maybe I could change my entire outlook with a new hair cut and color. Maybe that will be a reward for an upcoming scale victory…

By the way…the scale? Dude. I am winning that war.

I know I was inconsistent for a few weeks, but I’ve gone back to my food journal. I am posting every meal individually as I eat instead of a summary at the end of the day. It just seems more manageable to me that way. If you’re interested, check me out at www.growlinmytummy.com.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Today I was in line at the mall and there was a red-headed lady in front of me. Her mom was with her and the grandmother was holding a baby. A little red-headed girl. Maybe 8 months old or so. The little girl made eye contact with me. And then she reached for me. The grandmother looked at me and said “are you trustworthy?” I said yes and that I have a softspot for redheads.

And for about a minute, until the transaction was done, I held a red-headed baby.

I smiled a lot.

I think it just solidified that I really am okay.

On our anniversary, I tweeted my favorite tweet. It said something to this effect. The reason I hope we have kids someday? So the world might have another one of these.

I love this man so much it is ridiculous.

Sometimes I get asked why we’re not trying any fertility treatments. The answer is simple but very complicated. We don’t feel like we are supposed to. It just doesn’t feel like its what God wants us to do. Do I have issues with anyone that does? Absolutely not! We just feel strongly that our God is big enough to give us a baby if that’s what He wants. Or that He will let us know if the time comes to start fertility treatments. We just don’t feel like that’s for us. We haven’t even done any testing because it just doesn’t feel right.

We stopped taking any precautions years ago (4 maybe? yikes). But I  don’t say that we’re “trying.” That would imply that we are failing. We aren’t. We are happy and in love and we are not failures. I never want to get so stressed out about making a baby that I stop enjoying my husband. I never want our relationship to become scheduled and stressed and scientific. I love him. He is my little family. And that’s enough.

But if we do have a baby? I cannot even imagine how much we’ll love her. And the waiting would only make us love her more, I’m sure. I’m not giving up, but I’m not at the point where I’ll be devastated if I’m never a mother. I used to be, but I’m not anymore.

So for those of you struggling, my heart goes out to you. I don’t know what to say to comfort your heart. There is peace. I hope it finds you.

And today, peace found me at the mall.

It’s been a while since I’ve thrown a baby tantrum here. The tantrums have become much more infrequent. And part of me thinks that is really strange.

Last month, I found out that my brother and his wife are pregnant. Initially, I was upset. I cried myself to sleep that night. And I cried a little in the car the next day when I got a voicemail from my Mom telling me how proud of me she was and how she knew that I wanted to have the first grandchild. I almost had a meltdown in Penney’s the other day because my Mamaw said that an outfit looked like something she’d put on a “baby Nathan.” But other than my initial reaction and that day at the mall, I’ve been fine.

Absolutely fine.

It’s like the pressure has been taken off. Not that I ever felt any pressure from my parents, but I really wanted to see them be grandparents. I’ve heard my brother and his wife say before that they weren’t going to have kids. And the other brother is still single (catch him while you can, girls!), so I’ve always felt like it was up to me. And now I’m going to be an aunt. And having a baby in the family is enough for me. I may feel differently once the baby gets here (in April), but I’m okay today.

Everything is so exciting. We’re all trying to decide what the grandparents will be called. My dad has bought little gender-neutral hiking boots. Mom is buying everything she sees. Nathan and I have already been deemed Uncle Red and Aunt Sis (my brothers have always – and still do – called me Sis). We have seen all the baby clothes, looked at toys, made plans for which Playmobile sets and favorite books that we might by for the little one. I am so excited about my little niece or nephew that I just have to share the picture I got from my mom today. I have no idea what I’m looking at (I’m having a Rachael moment), but I’m so proud.

And then, just because it goes with the theme, I also got a picture today of my friend’s baby who is 2 months old today. The Mom is one of my absolute favorite people on the planet. She lived with us part-time for a while a few years ago (when we still lived in the big house) and I miss her like crazy since she got married and moved across the country to Idaho. I also had a much better reaction to her pregnancy than I expected to, but when I see pictures like this? I want to drive across the country and bring this beautiful little girl back home with me.

Beautiful, isn’t she?

You know, if we get pregnant, I will be psyched. But for the first time in years, I feel okay – truly okay – with the thought that maybe I won’t be a mother. I’m still just sitting with that.

And by “sitting” I mean thinking about it while Bob kicks my rear in yoga.

Dudes, I’m back.

I feel like a thief. A thief and a liar. Who does not deserve the goodness of the day. (Who still smiles in the mirror of the church bathroom.)

You see these jeans? These jeans that fit comfortably? That did not require laying down to zip them or create more of a muffin top that just occurs naturally? Yeah, they are 14s. I should feel awesome. Not only was I able to zip up knee high black boots (with assistance from FB) yesterday, but today I rocked a pair of 14s. From Gap. You know, my “thin” measuring stick.

But what else did I do today? AFTER the Mayday pie I brought home from lunch? Yeah. Frozen Mocha. Chocolate chip cookie. A (small) piece of peanut butter pie. Seriously.

I feel like a liar. Like I should have slapped a bumper sticker across my rear that reads “I don’t deserve these skinny pants!”

Why? I don’t know. Because I threw the whole weekend out the window. But the amazing weekend is over. Tomorrow is back to work. Back to the scale. Back to the running/eating well/repeat cycle. Or you can come and beat me up. Really. I give you permission.

I’ve heard all this talk about staycations. And I’ve thought it was crap.

Until this weekend.

We have a visitor. We have been invaded by our favorite Ohioan, Fat Bridesmaid.

It’s like we’ve taken the best – and our favorite – parts of Lexington and combined them into one entertaining, yet relaxing, weekend. Friday? Dinner at Roots, tv, and early to bed. Saturday? Brunch at Alfalfa’s, watching DVRed episodes of What Not to Wear, the Time Traveler’s Wife (which I must admit I really liked), shoe shopping, late lunch at Bonefish (and a drink!), DVRed Project Runway, late dinner from Donato’s. (Get the thin crust Veggie. Yumm.) Today? Starbucks, CBS Sunday Morning, Ramsey’s, and a nap. (Insert content sigh here)

If it weren’t for Nathan looking at me through his sleep-half-open eyes, I might say it’s the perfect day. It looks really creepy. But that’s what happens when you eat the entire breakfast platter at Ramsey’s, I guess.

I love it when she’s here. I don’t have a lot of girl friends day-to-day. It is so nice to have someone here who shares our likes, who gets excited about the same things, and who makes me go run (even when I want to stay on the couch) by threatening to “tell the internet” on me if I don’t. Who makes me try on knee-high boots, who doesn’t let me walk out of the movie because I don’t want to see the ending, and who lets my cat waller all over her. I love this girl. So much that I’m not going to take a picture of her sleeping and post it on here. She reminded me that I already did that once (remember my random tweets from BlogHer?), so I’m not going to push my luck.

…if only Delicious wasn’t painting this weekend…

I feel like I’m at the end of a wonderful vacation – one made better by the fact that I’ve slept in my own bed and not had to drive anywhere. My checkbook and the scale might throw slightly unhappy numbers at me tomorrow, but that’s okay. I’ll get it together without any drama, and it was all worth it.

So yesterday I had a little bit of difficulty with lunch. I decided to partake in retail therapy. And I wanted running gear.

I came home with a killer deal on a running skirt ($11! seriously!), new shoes (I’d had my old ones for at least 2 and a half years), new socks (I didn’t have any with me to try on shoes!), and a new uber-supportive undergarment (no real description needed, but I had to keep with the parentheses pattern).

And it was the best run ever. In my new digs. I can’t wait for my next run. And I kept it together food-wise today. The last 24 hours have been really refocused. Nice.

I’m REALLY excited for Fat Bridesmaid to get here for the weekend! We’re gonna party like it’s 1999! And by party, I mean go out to dinner, head out the the bookstore, and come home and drink some beer. And tomorrow? The Time Traveler’s Wife. Yeah, FB, you may have to pick me up off the floor of the movie theatre. Just so you know.

(Be ready for an appearance of Krissie the Therapist. The good news? I’m therapizing myself today. Watch out or you’ll be next.)

Taco Salad?

Yup. As you know if you follow me on twitter (and if you don’t, you should! I’m @krissieb), I had a taco salad for lunch. The whole damn thing. Guacamole. Sour cream. The whole shebang. And, right away, I knew it was about more than the salad. And I’ve put my mind to figuring out what it is.

1. Adipex. I didn’t feel like it was working anymore. I wasn’t feeling different. Cravings were coming back. Energy boost just wasn’t there. So I decided to take some time off, hopefully to jumpstart myself again. That’s worked pretty well. Until the taco salad today. But just like I’m not going to give it all the credit for my success, I’m not going to give it all the blame for my failures.

2.It’s sleepy in here! We had company last night. I had a total blast, but I was up later than usual. And I didn’t shower last night which meant getting up earlier this morning. Schedule thrown off. And Tired Krissie = Krissie on autopilot -> taco salad.

3. There’s a possibility on the horizon. A possibility that I REALLY want to work out. And I have a tendency to get focused on one thing and let others slide to the wayside. I have to be able to share my attention. I mean, I can eat well and exercise, right? So why can’t I hope in more than one area? Why does my self-improvement tend to be single-focused?

and the biggie…

4. I’m afraid of failure. You can’t fail if you don’t try, right? #3 has me really nervous. Hopeful, but nervous. Nervous enough to make me want to just shut down. To make me want to quit trying. And I think I’m generalizing that "not trying" to other areas of my life as well. And the easiest, and most enjoyable thing, to give up on? Good food choices. Not trying leads to taco salad. And, I’m sorry, but it tasted really good.

Why do I want to turn this around? Dude, I’ve come so far! How far?

• I’ve lost 35 pounds. My weight yesterday morning is the smallest I’ve seen since at least 2004.
• I’m wearing a solid 16, some 14s. To the point that I was wearing a new pair of jeans (16) last night and was kinda beating myself up for not getting a 14. And they were from Gap. (Which for some reason is my ultimate size meter. Don’t ask.)
• I am in the middle of week 4 of C25K. I usually wimp out around week 2, if I even get to week 2. And? I love it. I feel strong and proud and just good when I run. That is one thing that I haven’t faltered on.
• I feel good. I don’t know that I feel different (yes, still) but I feel really good.

How am I gonna turn this around?

• My eating is under control. Not in the morning, not after dinner, not after this last bite of whatever, NOW. It’s only been since yesterday, but I’m not going to be shaken. Every bite. Written. Photographed. Posted. Amen.
• I’m going to buy new running shoes tonight! Is there anything more exciting?
• I’m going to take a nice, long, hot bath tonight and curl up with a book. A book that’s not about food. Maybe fiction. That sounds like another purchase I need to make tonight.

Any other insight you all want to share with me? Anything I’m missing? Any words of encouragement or ass-kicking? I’ll take it all!