Today I was asked how much more weight I was planning on losing. And it caught me off guard.

I have no idea.

I’m trying really hard not to make this about the scale. I say this as I am pretty sick to see a number that starts with a 1. But that’s not why I’m doing this every day. It’s just something I want to see. And its killing me because I’m so close.

On my run tonight, I started thinking about why I’m kicking my arse every single day. It’s not for a number on a scale. I’ll be uber-excited when I see something under 175 because I don’t remember ever being below that. But it’s not for the scale. It’s not for a dress size. It’s not so I can flaunt around in something small and clingy. All those things will be just icing, you know?

So why am I doing this?

I want to trust my body. One of my turning points was last fall when we went on a long weekend trip with Nate’s family. We went on a hike and I didn’t know if I could make it to the top. I didn’t know if I could make it. And everyone else just kinda scampered up the Applachain Trail while I brought up the rear and hoped I didn’t pass out. Nathan did an amazing job hanging out with me, pretending not to notice that I was stopping to take pictures when there was nothing out of the ordinary to photograph. I want to know that I can climb multiple flights of stairs and carry on a conversation when I get to the top. I want to trust my body to be able to do what a body my age should be able to do.

I want to be able to exercise anywhere. I love the feeling I have when I exercise. I never thought I’d be one of those people, but I am. I want to be able to just take off for a run or do some powerful yoga in a hotel room. I don’t want to have to depend on a gym or a DVD or something to get myself sweating. I want to be a runner. I’m well on my way to being a runner. And honestly? I think that I would be happy if I didn’t lose any more weight but could run regularly.

I want to eat real food. Not crap. Or food products. Or food that has been processed to the point of being unrecognizable. And, again, I think that weight loss will just be a bonus to that. I want to be someone who shops consistantly at the farmer’s market and frequents restaurants that serve local and organic foods. I want to pay attention to what I put in my body as much as the clothes and makeup I put on it. I’m getting to that point. I don’t want Cheetos and ice cream sandwiches and fast food anymore. I make up for that sometimes with real (and high calorie) ice cream, but it means so much more to splurge on the real stuff occasionally than daily inhaling of food-ish things.

I want to be in control. I want to make decisions – almost automatically – that support my healthy lifestyle. I don’t want to fall prey to mindless eating or give into senseless cravings or feel powerless over my behavior ever again. And, over the last few months, I have learned that I am capable of controlling my behavior. That sounds really strange coming from me. I’m a trained therapist, for heaven’s sake. I know that I can control my behavior. I’ve always known that that was possible for everyone else, but I don’t know that I’ve ever thought that was a true possibility for ME.

So, to answer the question from earlier today, I have no idea how much weight I plan on losing. I don’t see any end to the road I’m on. I’m afraid as soon as I get “there,” I might turn back around and start making my way back to where I was. We’ve all done that, right? That’s why I like my “wants.” It’s not a goal weight that I’ll get to, it’s a process. That I’m committing myself to. Until it is automatic. And then? We’ll see what comes next.

So what about you? What do you want to accomplish that isn’t tied to a number?