Yeah, so we all know I have issues.

I feel really strange in my body again. I realize it’s part PMS ( has it seriously been a month already?), but I’m a mess.

I try on jeans. I find jeans that fit. I am floored by their size. (and that Gap had short in stock.) But in my head? One thought.

"Girl, who are you trying to fool?"

I feel like I’m pretending. Like I’m not really the girl who could walk into the mall and just buy a pair of jeans. Like I’m not really the girl who doesn’t have to say a prayer that the largest size a store carries will fit.

Even now, looking in the mirror, all I see is the muffin top that may or may not really be there. I see wide thighs that are out of porportion. I see a waist that i devalue because it shows how much fat I carry in my stomach. I’m so much more critical than I was 50 pounds ago.

I know KNOW that is bullshit. I know I am thinner. I know I look great.

But why don’t I feel that way?

And why am I focusing on how I look anyway? I’ve tried so hard to focus on what I can control – running, eating – and less on results – the scale, clothes. But now that I’m busting out the results, I’m full of self-doubt and criticism.

Can I blame all of this on my uterus? Will I go back to my normal, logical self in a few days? Until then? Just pass me a piece of fruit and some more coffee. I’ll just ride this out.