Yeah, so we all know I have issues.
I feel really strange in my body again. I realize it’s part PMS ( has it seriously been a month already?), but I’m a mess.
I try on jeans. I find jeans that fit. I am floored by their size. (and that Gap had short in stock.) But in my head? One thought.
"Girl, who are you trying to fool?"
I feel like I’m pretending. Like I’m not really the girl who could walk into the mall and just buy a pair of jeans. Like I’m not really the girl who doesn’t have to say a prayer that the largest size a store carries will fit.
Even now, looking in the mirror, all I see is the muffin top that may or may not really be there. I see wide thighs that are out of porportion. I see a waist that i devalue because it shows how much fat I carry in my stomach. I’m so much more critical than I was 50 pounds ago.
I know KNOW that is bullshit. I know I am thinner. I know I look great.
But why don’t I feel that way?
And why am I focusing on how I look anyway? I’ve tried so hard to focus on what I can control – running, eating – and less on results – the scale, clothes. But now that I’m busting out the results, I’m full of self-doubt and criticism.
Can I blame all of this on my uterus? Will I go back to my normal, logical self in a few days? Until then? Just pass me a piece of fruit and some more coffee. I’ll just ride this out.
I experienced the same thing after I lost 35lbs, and I think I figured it out, at least somewhat.
When I was at my heaviest, I was in a state of denial. I didn’t like how I looked, but I tried to avoid looking as much as possible. I never stepped on a scale. I ate horribly, never exercised and basically ignored myself, inside and out. Once I started losing weight I was spending a lot of time looking at myself, and at first it was very positively. Admiring how I looked smaller and smiling at myself as I passed a mirror. But no matter how much weight I lost, I always had the occasional bad day. And since I was now used to looking at my body instead of ignoring it, those thoughts turned negative. I started scrutinizing things that I had never even noticed.
I think the key is to just go easy on yourself. Try to imagine yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you, someone who looks at all of you instead of picking apart the pieces.
I’m sure most of this can be blamed on your uterus and it will go away in a couple of days.
You’ve done an amazing job. I’m a huge admirer of your blog and am cheering you on. You should be really proud of everything you’ve accomplished.
http://www.ifyouhavetoask.wordpress.com
Same thing happened to me after losing 60 pounds. I thought I looked way too chunky but I seldom thought that way before the weight loss.
Things are getting better and I’m no longer hiding behind people in exercise class.
Hopefully, it’ll get better for you as well…
Just want to chime in that I agree with the others, and I think it’s a fairly normal (although sometimes torturous) way to feel for someone who has lost a big chunk of weight. I totally ignored myself before – and now I criticize everything. But even when I’m being critical, I’m still so much happier this way.
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone – we’re all in this together!