Another blog post I started last week – between the miscarriage and the d&c – followed by my thoughts today.

Then:

That thin line between taking care of myself and gluttony? Yeah, I have no idea where it is anymore.

The good news? I haven’t had ice cream in 3 days. But I sure have thought about it.

They (you know, the all-knowing “they”) say that food doesn’t really make you feel better.

But I think I might disagree.

Why am I eating ice cream? Drinking Mexican Pepsi? Having sweet and sour chicken for lunch?

Because in that moment, that – that drink, that bite, that taste, that fizz, that temperature – is all I think about. For a little while, I think about how good something feels.

I know this isn’t a long-term solution. I know I need to eat better, and I know I will. It just doesn’t make me feel good right now. It doesn’t take the sadness away.

But the Mexican Pepsi does. The Mango Curry Chicken does. The coffee ice cream does. Even if just for a little while.

And maybe, just maybe, it’s worth it. For now.

Today:

I was in that space. It was horrible. I still have the moments when I get back there, in that “nutella would make me feel better” place. It was worth it in the moment. Because so many things just made the pain worse, especially talking about it. And when I was engulfed in reading or tv or something, I felt like I was creating a distraction and maybe that was disrespectful to my baby. But food helped. I’m glad I didn’t give myself grief or guilt over that.

Now that I’m a little farther out, now that the pain has given a little and I can see perspective, I know that was only a temporary strategy. And I’m not craving comfort foods all that much anymore. I know eating for comfort is not the behavior that got me where I am. I know that the reason we got pregnant (without any medical intervention), was because I was taking care of myself. I was eating well. I was running like a mad woman. I was taking very good care of myself. I made my body work and sweat and do things I didn’t think it could do. I changed my life to create a body that would allow for the creation of life. And I’m ready to get back to that.

And, slowly, day by day, I’m getting back to that. And it feels good.

What else feels good? I got flowers from Fat Bridesmaid. And they are beautiful.