I’m angry.
So I wrote the post about being hefty. And I got all high and mighty. Sure that I could do this. Because I have. Because I am awesome. Blah blah blah.
But then I got on the Wii. And it weighed me. And I got all angry.
193.
I’m up a grand total of 19 pounds from my low in March. 15 pounds was one thing. But 19? That’s the cusp of 20.
Let’s just get the justifications out of the way, shall we? We got pregnant. I had a miscarriage. It has been really hot and humid. Etc etc etc.
Does that justify 19 pounds?
Let’s be honest. Where did those 19 pounds come from? From the choices I have made.
Sweet and sour chicken.
Nutella on toast.
Laying on the couch.
Veggie burritos with guacamole.
Cereal after dinner.
Top Chef Marathons. On the couch.
Big portions.
Cranberry orange scones.
No Reservations on DVR. On the couch.
Pepsi. Mexican Pepsi.
Fage and granola…after dinner.
Basically, bending every rule that I set in place for myself. All the things I used to use as occasional treats became every day occurrences again. I stopped working out on a regular basis. I have a snack drawer at work. I’m eating when I’m not hungry and I’m not moving.
But I’m not doing this again.
I’m done with this stupid cycle.
I AM NOT PUTTING THIS EFFING WEIGHT BACK ON AGAIN.
So are you tired of hearing me go back and forth? Tired of my new starts? Tired of my “this time is the real time” talk? Sure you are.
And I am too.
I’m tired of not living the life I deserve. Of taking and doing what I want instead of what I need. Because I’m stealing from myself. I’m stealing years. I’m stealing joy. And I’m not hiding it from anybody. Even though I try to hide it from myself.
So I took an angry walk. I came home and cried an angry cry.
Here’s hoping angry keeps me motivated until peace shows up.
I have been doing the same thing to myself of late and have been waking up so depressed because of it. I know and want to do it but I keep making the same silly mistakes. I am tired of it and now it is time to do something about it. You go girl!! You can do it!
“All the things I used to use as occasional treats became every day occurrences again. I stopped working out on a regular basis. I have a snack drawer at work. I’m eating when I’m not hungry and I’m not moving.” I could have written this. I’m slowly but surely getting out of my rut, same as you are, but it’s not easy. There are some days where yes, that cookie does make me feel better….but I know better and no cookie is going to make life better, only I can do that. Ugh, it’s a vicious cycle isn’t it? I’m joining WW again this week so that’s a start but I have to get moving again. You are very inspirational you know. Thanks for the comment this morning. Someday we’ll realize that we’ve found ourselves again.
Someday, my friend. I’m cheering both of us on.
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You will make it. I am right here with you. We should get together for a run soon.
I read your blog daily and feel as tho I could be writing your posts (well, all except the parts about Nathan)! I too lost a considerable amount of weight and was thrilled. I too took up running. I too got a little too comfortable in my new skin – and thought an extra bite here and there wouldn’t catch up to me. My exercise has diminished and my eating habits are back to the old me. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve fallen. I so love the fact that you publicly admitted that you are human – and that you’re ready to take on the battle again. School is starting (I’m in the education field) and my work clothes are all snug. I feel like the time is right. Let’s conquer this – one day at a time. I’m virtually right here with you. I need some good motivation and I will be reading your posts daily. I just committed to a race in November and another in December – similar to you. I’m ready to do this. Thanks for being my inspiration!!
You are so nice! I forget sometimes that I’m not alone in this. That struggle is part of the process for a lot of us. That the only time I get help is when I seek it out.
Thank you so much for your support. And best of luck with the new school year. Now let’s go running already!
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I’m right there with you girl, up almost 20 from where I was not so long ago. But enough is enough. It’s time to kick some ass and take some names.
We’re on it! L4L!
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I had a really stressful Spring and have also gained weight…to the point where I had to buy new pants. :(
After working so hard to lose the weight and change my life, I still managed revert to some old bad habits. Large portions of food and lots of time in front of the TV here too.
Trying VERY hard now to get focused on where I HAVE to be. Healthy is the only option. I’ve had a really successful week listening to my hunger cues and eating intuitively. (Going to do a post on this tonight actually.) I feel like I’m finally getting back in the right direction.
Krissie, you have inspired me a lot over the past several months, you WILL do this. There’s no question about it! xoxo
I am so right there with you! It’s so hard not to beat yourself up, and to not feel like you’re just completely lying to yourself again and again. But the truth is, no one really knows what it takes to make that magical “click” inside your brain. You can say, “I feel AWESOME! I’m SO back on track!” Then the next afternoon, you find yourself halfway through a giant sandwich and fries and wonder what the hell happened.
But then sometimes, for whatever reason, it becomes easy. Maybe not easy, but completely doable. And you will get there soon–and I will, too!
And for the record, my “People Who Inspire Me” list includes YOU!
That was me this year, dear.
I’m staying healthy this time, I swear.
You’ll get back right here with me.
Deal?
Deal!
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But you were on the Wii…getting ready to exercise, I presume. So, that’s a step in the right direction and we all drop are guards at some point.
I hear ya.Like many above me, I could have written this post. I can feel my weight creeping up. It must end.
I’ve been reading your blog for several months now, and I remember how elated you were to walk into the gap and find pants that fit. I was so happy for you and was smiling inside (coming from a girl who hasn’t worn Gap pants since 7th grade). I hope you remember how good that moment felt and I hope you get to that happy place again. :)
Wonderful, honest, insightful post. You already have everything you need, inside, to become the woman you intend to be. You have come SO FAR–I’m here, cheering you on. You WILL do it!!
Yep, you’ll do it. I think it sometimes takes a few cycles of effort and release to get something sorted. This is just the same.
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