I’ve had a lot of good days lately.
Yesterday was not one of them. It was a really bittersweet day. I spent the day with my parents, grandmother, brother, sister-in-law and niece. We were shopping for a dress for the niece for my cousin’s wedding in October.
That means me. Spending a lot of time. Holding a baby. Around a lot of baby clothes.
That was fine. Fun, actually.
Mostly.
But in the back of my mind, all I could think about was the newborn clothes. How cute little outfits would look on a little Nathan. On a little red-headed baby.
I kept thinking how I should be shopping for clothes for a newborn to wear at Christmas time. How I should be more than halfway through a pregnancy. How I should be showing. We’d have a date set for a shower.
By now, we would have a nursery planned out. We would have read a lot of books. We would be making plans. What length of time we’d be able to take off work. We would know if I was due right before or right after Christmas. There would be excitement about another baby at Christmas. A very little baby at Christmas. Or the promise of a baby very shortly thereafter.
We would know the gender.
We would have narrowed down our favorites. We would have a name.
Bruen or Liam or Carrick or Jack.
Lauren or Fiona or Evelyn or Moira.
But we don’t have any of that.
Most days, I’m okay with that. But last night I cried myself to sleep. And I have that cry-hangover-feeling today as a reminder. And that makes it a little hard for me to distract myself today.
So, yeah. Most days are okay.
Here’s hoping tomorrow is more like most days.
I wish the internet had hugs. :::::::::::::hug:::::::::::
I can’t believe I’m the first to comment on this post. I’m sorry to hear that you struggled yesterday, but I’m glad to hear that you didn’t let the possibility of a painful situation slow you down from spending what I suspect was a great day with a lot of the people who are most important to you.
I know it doesn’t make those days any easier as you fight your way through them, but the good news is that those days become less and less frequent over time. They get easier not because you miss that baby any less, or love it any less, but because there are simply fewer things that trigger those emotions of “What if…” as you get past the milestones of an approximate due date, approximate first birthday, etc.
Here’s hoping that today is a fantastic day.
Make that the second to reply…
I’m so sorry. :( And I’m thinking of you…
I’m sorry you had a bad day,but I’m proud of you for having the balls to acknowledge how you feel without letting it consume you for days or weeks on end. Here’s hoping today was better. :-)
I just found your blog through the Healthy Living Blogs and my heart just ACHES for you. I’m so sad to know you are going through this. I honestly believe it would be the hardest thing to face. I just wanted you to know that I just said a prayer for peace for you. I hope the day gets better and things improve. Hugs.
Take it one day at a time, just like you’ve been doing. Thinking of you!