Yesterday I was telling y’all about how I am self-therapizing. How I’m challenging my irrational thoughts. And it started last night.
I had a really hard evening. I got on the scale on the Wii. I was not happy. It wasn’t pretty. I also caught myself saying a lot of things to myself that I shouldn’t say. Things I would not say about a friend. Things I would not tolerate a friend saying to me. And I’m challenging them. Daily.
Today’s irrational statement:
I’m hideous. (Sad, but true my friends.)
Did I ever actually believe that I was hideous? Unfortunately. Maybe. Briefly. When I was on the scale last night. When I put on my favorite dress and realized I couldn’t wear it to work yesterday. I knew I could not allow myself to think this way. I knew I had to change it. (Wow. I really didn’t want to admit that.)
Today’s incompatible behavior:
I straightened my hair.
It may not sound like much, but it’s a big step for me. It takes a nice chunk of time. About 40 minutes. (I have a lot of hair.) This is the third time I’ve straightened my hair since the miscarriage. I used to straighten my hair daily. But I’d stopped putting that time and effort into myself. I was content to put my hair in a curly messy ponytail or bun. I was content to do the minimal necessary to be presentable.
I have been content to sleep the extra half hour or lay on the couch in the evening. I was content to not put effort into myself. Effort I deserve. Not because I want to impress anyone else. Not because I want people to see my straight hair. But because I feel different when my hair is straight. I feel like me.
There’s just something about straightening my hair that changes me. I feel pretty when I straighten my hair. I never regret the time I spent making myself feel pretty. In fact, I feel a little bit proud that I took the time to do something for me. I feel like myself. I feel put-together. I feel pretty.
So “I’m hideous” and “I’m pretty” cannot exist together. They are mutually exclusive. And I feel pretty.
I’m choosing to feel pretty.
Because I chose to straighten my hair.
It’s amazing how such a small task can totally change my outlook on a day.
And today it totally did.
So…what did you do for yourself today?
I’m about to do Shred even thought its 100 degrees in my house. No lie. That’s what I did for myself.
Krissie, you are gorgeous – inside & out. I applaud you for doing something to make yourself feel good!! It really is odd how critical we can be of ourselves. I would never tell a friend she was ugly or gross, yet I constantly think that about myself. Hmm.
You go shred, girl! I’m waiting 25 minutes before I head out for a run…hoping it will cool off a little more.
Be good to yourself, girl!
I.. hmmm. I wasn’t going to comment but this is so interesting to me. I’ve been reading your blog for a while and, well, when I see your picture I think you are pretty. I think you look well put together and like you’ve ‘got it going on.’ I think you look healthy. You and I weigh close to the same weight (I weigh 187 pounds) and I look at myself and think I look hideous. I think I look like a slob and a bum. I feel like a mess. I feel this way partly because I’m overweight, yes, but I realized I put very little effort into myself. I do the absolute minimal to go out in public. I’ve convinced myself that I can’t feel pretty unless I’m thin. What a horrible thought process! I realized I don’t think that at all about people who weigh the same as me, or some even more.
Wanna know a secret? I actually weighed at 194 yesterday. I’m 5″4′. I feel pretty when I take the steps to make myself feel pretty. And I’m just starting to feel worth that again. Don’t talk to yourself like that. You wouldn’t let someone say it to you, don’t let yourself say it to yourself. That’s it. Thank you for your nice words. It means a lot. Now try to say them to yourself. You’re not alone, my friend.
Girl you look gorgeous!
I have been reading for awhile, but don’t think I’ve ever commented. I think it takes a lot of courage to admit that you even said those things about yourself–we are usually our own worst enemies, but that’s sometimes hard to see. Facing it head-on, you’re doing it! Just keep going. Thanks for sharing-I have been losing & gaining for years. You have been a positive/optimistic source of inspiration, even when it’s the most difficult for you! You’re going to be successful, just don’t beat yourself up too much along the way :)
This must by the night for ‘first time posters, long time readers’. I have enjoyed reading your blog for over a month now and it just keeps getting better and better. Your honesty, nurturing personality and beauty (inside and out) come through with each post. Glad to have found you. Keep up the good work (both on the blog AND being good to yourself).
Yay! de-lurkers unite! Thanks for all the encouragement!
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You are the furthest thing from hideous my friend! Your eyes and bone structure are beyond gorgeous! When I am having a case of “I feel gross, blah, fat, uncute” I hit the gym, go for a run or put on a wrap dress and heels. Wrap dresses are magical.
You are beautiful!
Good for your for choosing to feel pretty – we all need to do that more often! This is such a slippery slope we’re on when it comes to how we define beauty for ourselves and others. We are ALL beautiful – all of the time – and straightening our hair/buying a new dress/going to the gym just/getting a facial/whatever are just little “reminders” to ourselves! (That’s what I think anyway.)
p.s. – You remind me of Elisabeth Moss from Mad Men! I’ve been watching that show for a little while now & she has always reminded me of someone but I couldn’t put my finger on who…When I was watching the Emmy’s the other night I realized that it’s YOU she reminds me of. Guess I couldn’t place it right away since I’ve never actually met you in person & just see you in pics on your blog.
I’ll join the chorus, ’cause it’s SO TRUE: you are a beautiful woman, and a strong, compassionate, kind, intelligent woman! And on the girlie info front, have you heard about the Brazilian blowout? Sorry, I know that sounds like a really bad spam come-on, but it’s not. It’s a keratin treatment that lasts about 12 weeks and makes blowing your hair out or using the flat iron a breeze. Also, even if you go curly your curls will be less kink/frizz and more beachy-wave. I’m considering it myself. BIG HUGS.
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