I tend to operate in a polarized world. Internally, anyway. I can recognize shades of grey in the world and people around me. It’s one of my favorite things about Nathan and me. We can pick out the beauty, fun, and joy in most situations. I love all kinds of people, some more flawed than others. One of my strengths, I think, is meeting people where they are and accepting when they are giving me the best they can, even if I think I would do things differently in a situation.

But rarely do I give myself the same opportunities, the same margin for error. I’m either good or bad. Fat or thin. Weak or strong. One or the other.

Earlier this year, I was in the best shape of my life. I ran a half-marathon. Yoga was starting to come easier. I felt strong and powerful and invincible. Although I was far from satisfied with how my body looked, I was so proud of what my body could do. Blown away, actually.

But then things happened. Some things within my control and some things way (way) out of my control. And here I am. Somewhere in the middle. Still able to run, but much slower and at a severely reduced distance. Yoga is hard. I don’t cross my legs as often or as easily. Although I’m in a much better place than I was 18 months ago, but I’m no where near where I was this spring.

Today’s irrational belief:

I am weak. I am not strong, so I must be weak.

That’s bull sh!t, my friends. BS.

Today’s (okay, last night’s) incompatible behaviors:

I ran. It might not have been long and it might not have been fast, but it felt good. I ran strong.

I yoga-ed. You would have thought I would have learned from Lynn’s #7daysofyoga challenge how much I love yoga. And how good it is for me, physically and emotionally. I did Hatha Yoga #3 and I loved it. As usual. And what she said while I was in gorilla pose really hit home for me. “surrender here. breathe here. notice if you’re waiting for what’s next. be present. be here. let go of waiting.”

I’m not waiting. I’m taking control. And I’m not weak.

If I were weak, could I have ran over a mile? Without stopping? In the heat and humidity that I have avoided all summer?

Nope.

If I were weak, could I have have held the yoga poses? Could I have maintained my balance and strength?

Nope.

Just because I’m not “as strong” does not mean that I am weak. I may have been stronger in the past, but I am still strong.

Shades of grey, right?

And I will be “as strong.” Because I’ll keep running and yoga-ing and lifting and letting Bob Harper whip me into shape. Maybe not every day, but I’m getting back there.

I am not weak. Don’t ever let me tell myself that ever again.

The same goes for you. You can’t say it to yourself either. Not anymore.