Category Archives: Uncategorized

I took the scenic route home from my weekend with the girls. I decided to stop and take pictures of an old covered bridge. I think about stopping all the time, but I never do. It’s just so romantic. Historical. Comforting. A reminder of how things used to be. Just beautiful.

I took a bunch of pictures of the outside and was in awe. But as I walked up the gravel road to the inside of the bridge, my heart dropped. The inside of the bridge is covered with graffiti. There would have been nothing inspiring or romantic about those pictures. The inside of the bridge was just ugly. Ugly, abused, and neglected. So I didn’t take any pictures. I focused on the outside and then I just moved on.

I wish I would have taken a picture. I almost wish that I would have only taken pictures of the inside.

Because that’s what I do here.

The unattractive grimy interior? That’s what I show you all. I expose the things about me that I want to change – the doubt, the self-destruction, the pain. The parts of myself that I don’t want to admit to myself, more or less share. But I point it out. I call attention to it. I acknowledge what doesn’t need to be there and I scrub it off. The graffiti. The ugly words. The ugly pictures. The things that are just obtrusive and distract from the inherent beauty. Sometimes it takes multiple scrubbings (similar to the analogy of having to change the same flat tire over and over again). But I’m still scrubbing. I’m not giving up. I’m not letting my exterior hide my flawed interior. I’m working through it. I’m going to become all that I already am. It’s just gonna take a lot of elbow grease.

I am so thankful for my little blog. I am so thankful that I have a place to air and wash my dirty laundry – a place to help me realize who I am and challenge me to do what I need to do to be the best version of me. Somewhere to record my efforts at scrubbing out all the ugly.

I am still scrubbing. And every little bit will add up. I’ll get there, my friends.

Good grief, y’all. I spent this weekend with the girls in Charleston, West Virginia. And it was legend…wait for it…dairy.

The soundtrack for the weekend: French lessons. Enough said.

Say Enchanté to my partners in crime – Miranda and Lorrie.

Somehow we stumbled upon a New Orleans-Style Funeral Parade downtown. It was awesome.

And then? A biker rally. The girls are naturals.

Saturday morning, we did something that totally made my weekend. We went for a run. I ran on this little path between street-level and the river. I had a race with a barge. But I had to turn around. I ran 3.1, only stopping to climb the steps back up to street-level. My girls worked on C25K. (Week 2, right?)

Us after our runs. One day I’ll have a picture of the three of us that isn’t immediately after a workout.

There is a beautiful statue of Abraham Lincoln outside of the capitol that I was just fascinated with.

We could not have asked for more beautiful weather.

Sushi was consumed. Yummm sushi.

Hats were modeled.

Truffles were consumed.

It was pretty awesome. I just love those girls. Lack of sleep and all.

Today, I brought the long way home. I stopped and took a zillion pictures of an old covered bridge. I am so glad I took the time to stop.

So how was your long weekend?

I’ve had a lot of good days lately.

Yesterday was not one of them. It was a really bittersweet day. I spent the day with my parents, grandmother, brother, sister-in-law and niece. We were shopping for a dress for the niece for my cousin’s wedding in October.

That means me. Spending a lot of time. Holding a baby. Around a lot of baby clothes.

That was fine. Fun, actually.

Mostly.

But in the back of my mind, all I could think about was the newborn clothes. How cute little outfits would look on a little Nathan. On a little red-headed baby.

I kept thinking how I should be shopping for clothes for a newborn to wear at Christmas time.  How I should be more than halfway through a pregnancy. How I should be showing. We’d have a date set for a shower.

By now, we would have a nursery planned out. We would have read a lot of books. We would be making plans. What length of time we’d be able to take off work. We would know if I was due right before or right after Christmas. There would be excitement about another baby at Christmas. A very little baby at Christmas. Or the promise of a baby very shortly thereafter.

We would know the gender.

We would have narrowed down our favorites. We would have a name.

Bruen or Liam or Carrick or Jack.

Lauren or Fiona or Evelyn or Moira.

But we don’t have any of that.

Most days, I’m okay with that. But last night I cried myself to sleep. And I have that cry-hangover-feeling today as a reminder. And that makes it a little hard for me to distract myself today.

So, yeah. Most days are okay.

Here’s hoping tomorrow is more like most days.

So what have I read that inspired me last week?

I know I’ve mentioned her several times before, but MorganDayCecil? Her series on “The Land Between” rocked my socks off. Really made me think. Helped me accept that I am where I am. It doesn’t matter why I’m in this emotional space. It doesn’t matter when I’ll get out of it. What matters is what I do with it. And it’s okay for me to collapse here sometimes. I loved these posts.

And then I sent the like to MDC to Petites Joies as well. Because she’s in a similar space. And because I want to help her. And I don’t know how. And that made me feel all warm and fuzzy for you guys, because you reached out to me when I was in the saddest places. I’m sure she’s love some support as well.

Stephanie Snowe wrote about family and friends who have lost children. About Childless Moms. About how Gabe matters. And I sat at my desk and cried. I, too, wish I could take the power away from “this day.” For me, “this day” is every Thursday. I have to look at a calendar to see the date that I lost Gnomie, but I will always know that it was a Thursday. And I don’t know if or when I’ll ever have a Thursday where she isn’t my first thought.

I’ve continued to carry around a lot of guilt about my weight, about how I let my health suffer during my miscarriage and (emotional and physical) recovery. But then Roni tweeted this wonderful post by KCLAnderson. I really like the conversation about doing what works and not judging others for doing what works for them. But it’s the end of the post that really impacted me. “One of the hardest lessons to learn is that we can know something but not be able to live it.” This summer, I was unable to continue my weight loss efforts. Mentally and physically. I got it back together when I was able. And then I floundered around a little bit. But realizing that I was really unable for a while has helped me not take able for granted, has given me comfort for that time and accountability for the present. Because I am able now. And I’m moving on.

Jamie at Embracing Balance wrote about her snug jeans. I wanted to yell, “I know how you feel friend!” And reading her plan to change things was adorable and empowering. She’s becoming “Planny Plannerton.” She also inspired me to go back to taking pictures of my food because it helps me focus. When I take the time to put my food on a pretty plate, arrange it nicely, and make sure it’s really what I want. I’m also so much more aware of my portions when I’m putting it out there for the world to see.

I loved Tara’s guest post on SeattleRunGirl about not giving up. It’s easy to get down on myself sometimes, to think that I can’t do it, to think that it’s not worth all the work. But it is. And I can. And I needed this peptalk.

This has turned into something I really love to do. I keep track of blogs I love in my little moleskine journal as I come across them, and then I mention the highlights of those to you all. I love it.

Any posts you are inspired by? I’d love to have some new blogs to read? Wanna toot your own horn? That’s what the comments are for!

Have a great (rest of the) weekend!

So no time to blog tonight, lovelies.

Why? Because I spent my evening in the kitchen.

Cabbage rolls and corn spoonbread. (Links to go my food blog!)

And now it’s time to run!

I’m going to rant. Because I had a reaction. Because I think it is relevant to my blog. Because I count calories. Because I think that counting calories has improved my life. And I come to the defense of tools that I feel are helpful.

Roni retweeted a tweet last night from EatWithoutGuilt that really got me going:

Roni blogged about it herself. I started a comment on her post, but then I realized I have a lot more to say than should be published in someone else’s space. I’ve had several discussions here and there on twitter. I’ve seen so many people say that calorie counting is unhealthy. That it doesn’t work. That there’s something wrong with me if I do. That I’m lying if I say that it works. So here is my response.

The basic question: Can I have a healthy relationship with food if I’m counting calories or measuring food?

Answer: Absolutely. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever have a healthy relationship with food if I’m not making a specific effort to pay attention to my food intake. Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. Today, counting is paramount. Counting calories (both what I ate and the calories I burned exercising) is the way that I lost 63 pounds. And not counting calories is the way I gained 19 pounds back.

I think it is possible to be “healthy” and a “counter.” Let me tell you what  healthy means in my little head. I think of healthy behaviors as behaviors that improve my overall quality of life instead of hindering it. Healthy is when I’m becoming stronger instead of weaker. When I’m getting closer to the best of me instead of farther away. When I’m living in a way that is consistant with my values and priorities. I don’t think healthy is something that I will achieve when I’m a certain weight or BMI. I don’t think that I will reach healthy when I can run a mile in under 10 minutes or when I can finish that stupid Bob Harper cardio DVD. Healthy is something I work toward every day. Something I make decisions to improve. And something that I’m sure will contstantly be evolving and changing as I change.

Do I count calories? Yes. Absolutely. Although lately, not as much as I should. (Hello, 19 pound gain.) I think know that counting calories is the key to my weight loss. And I’m fine with that. I understand that it’s not for everybody. I understand that some people can get overwhelmed by counting and tracking. I get it. But I don’t think the fact that I count calories means that I have an unhealthy relationship with food.

I think the decision to count calories, for me, shows that I am on a mission to improve my relationship with food. That I’m putting an effort into becoming healthier. That my unhealthy relationship with food is more apparent when I’m not counting calories.

I think of my calorie counting like a checkbook. Like I’m trying to control my intake of food in the same way that I control where my money goes. I record and keep record of my bank account, right? Don’t most of us check in on our online banking to make sure we’re where we think we are? We budget. We pay what has to be paid. We splurge here and there. Does that mean that I have an unhealthy relationship with money? Because I know my limits and want to make sure I’m living within them? Because I know what I have available and how to control it so that I meet my financial goals? What would happen if I just ignored my parameters and went all willy-nilly? I’d have a new iPhone and a new wardrobe and a few KitchenAid appliances and a nice shiny new camera. And a pissed husband. And probably a forclosure notice. (Just like if I ate willy-nilly, I’d have health problems, worse self-esteem issues, and I’d weight 237+ again. I’m just saying.)

I’ve been focusing on the word relationship a lot lately. So I started thinking about my relationships with people and how they might be similar to my relationship with food. There are relationships in my life that aren’t perfect. I have people in my life that are difficult. We all do, right? But how do we keep these relationships healthy and functioning? We find ways to make them work. We compromise. I choose when and in what situations to spend time with certain people. I bite my tongue sometimes. I choose which situations to address and which to just let roll off my back. I know that sometimes I won’t get my way, but I compromise in order to preserve the relationship. So that we still work together and enjoy each other’s company. I put the relationship first, even if that means not getting what I want or think I deserve.

And I think my relationship with food is similar. I would love for it to be easy. I’d love to be the kind of person that could eat intuitively. Who could listen to my body’s cues and eat what my body tells me to eat. But my relationship with food and my appetite is one that needs work and compromise. It is a difficult relationship. We don’t communicate well. We don’t always look out for each other’s best interest. We’re kind of passive-aggressive. We’re kind of selfish. And THAT is unhealthy.

Maybe this calorie counting is a phase. Maybe it’s a tool I won’t use when I am able to better listen to my intuitive voice regarding hunger and food. Or maybe it’s something I’ll have to do for the rest of my life. And, really? How hard is it to log into an app on my iPhone and plug my food in? Isn’t it worth that little effort to keep track of where I am and maintain my health?

I don’t think I’m obsessive. I don’t think you have to be in order to count calories. Even when I’m 100% focused, I take days off. I have gelato. I have a waffle. But I count it. And I run an extra mile. Or I have a snack the next day with fewer calories. Or I just chalk it up to enjoying myself and I go on. Just because I count calories doesn’t mean I’m rigid.

Also, just because I count calories doesn’t mean I’m choosing the lowest calorie version of everything. Other than milk (2% baby!), I ALWAYS have full-fat dairy – yogurt, cheese, sour cream. It’s worth the extra calories for me. I eat a lot of nuts and nut butters. I eat what I consider quality food. Even if they are calorie dense. A runner needs good fuel, right?

So, for me, counting calories is necessary. It’s a compromise I’m more than willing to make in order to get what I want. To improve the relationship between me and my health. To look better, to feel better, to be better.

I totally understand if counting isn’t for you. But it is for me. And I don’t see that there’s anything wrong with that. Maybe that’s what got my fire going – the judgment that counting calories equates with “disordered eating.” Because, for me, the disordered eating comes when I don’t count (i.e. this whole damn summer).

*and now that that’s off my chest, I can get in my car and go buy new running shoes!*

I’m angry.

So I wrote the post about being hefty. And I got all high and mighty. Sure that I could do this. Because I have. Because I am awesome. Blah blah blah.

But then I got on the Wii. And it weighed me. And I got all angry.

193.

I’m up a grand total of 19 pounds from my low in March. 15 pounds was one thing. But 19? That’s the cusp of 20.

Let’s just get the justifications out of the way, shall we? We got pregnant. I had a miscarriage. It has been really hot and humid. Etc etc etc.

Does that justify 19 pounds?

Let’s be honest. Where did those 19 pounds come from? From the choices I have made.

Sweet and sour chicken.

Nutella on toast.

Laying on the couch.

Veggie burritos with guacamole.

Cereal after dinner.

Top Chef Marathons. On the couch.

Big portions.

Cranberry orange scones.

No Reservations on DVR. On the couch.

Pepsi. Mexican Pepsi.

Fage and granola…after dinner.

Basically, bending every rule that I set in place for myself. All the things I used to use as occasional treats became every day occurrences again. I stopped working out on a regular basis. I have a snack drawer at work. I’m eating when I’m not hungry and I’m not moving.

But I’m not doing this again.

I’m done with this stupid cycle.

I AM NOT PUTTING THIS EFFING WEIGHT BACK ON AGAIN.

So are you tired of hearing me go back and forth? Tired of my new starts? Tired of my “this time is the real time” talk? Sure you are.

And I am too.

I’m tired of not living the life I deserve. Of taking and doing what I want instead of what I need. Because I’m stealing from myself. I’m stealing years. I’m stealing joy. And I’m not hiding it from anybody. Even though I try to hide it from myself.

So I took an angry walk. I came home and cried an angry cry.

Here’s hoping angry keeps me motivated until peace shows up.

Okay, boys and girls. I’m doing this.

I’ve ran for the past two days (and we’re going out as soon as dinner settles). I’m getting my eating back together. Because it’s about time.

Today I ran into someone I’ve only seen a time or two since the spring. Her comment? “What’s happened to you? Your hair is all crazy? Are you getting all hefty again?” Dude, for real? Hefty. About me. And I’m gonna fix that.

We all know that there are health reasons to lose weight . That I will feel better. That I’ll be able to run farther and faster. That my mood will stabilize and I’ll feel like the Krissie I was.

But let’s get honest here. I want to be hot. And 15 pounds down from my current weight? I felt hot. That’s not that far. I know I can’t lose it in three weeks, but I can make a significant dent in that.

What’s going on in three weeks? My 10 Year College Reunion. I would really like to get back into my Superhero Black Dress by then. I think I can manage. Especially if I really focus. It’ll be fun.

So I was looking through the college pictures I’ve scanned into the computer. You know, to get excited for the reunion. This one is from the summer between junior and senior year. I weighed 175. I was running. Nathan and I had just started dating. I was in a happy healthy place.

But by the winter of that same year, I was right back where I started. I was stressed out about grad school and where I was going to live. I was right back up to around 200 here.

And the weight hung around straight through graduation. And for the next few years. I’m already smaller than I was at graduation, so that’s something to feel good about.

But the weight? I lost during junior year, and gained it back senior. And then I hit 175 again the summer after we got married. And gained it again. And then I hit 174(!) in March of this year, and I’m not there anymore. I’m not back up to 237, but I’m not at 174. That is depressing.

I’m not going to do this again. This is it. This time is forever.

So what’s next? Shut up. Lace up. Go run.

Amen.

I’m still keeping track of posts and bloggers who inspire me. I hope you find someone new in here. I just love my blog buddies. So here you go.

Sometimes I can get down on myself. From this time last year to day, my weight is only about 10 pounds less (especially since it was 20 pounds less a few months ago). And that can get me down sometimes. But then I read posts like this from my dear Mousearoo. I start thinking of everything I have accomplished and everything I have made it through in the last few months. Sometimes all it takes is someone to shift your focus, you know? So thanks a lot Marie. I needed to read your pep talk to yourself.

As much as I hate to see people struggle, I love to see the moment when we start to get our crap back together. When we take the time to stop and reflect and readjust our mindset and behaviors. And I love that Jeannie is sitting with that right now. The space of figuring things out is where change happens. And I have faith in her. And she makes me feel like I’m not in this alone.

Is there anything that inspires me more than babies? I don’t think so. Go give Cameron a warm welcome. I just want to go meet him and snuggle him. Such a pity round trip airfare is double my car payment. (I actually checked. I so want you meet you guys Ang!)

I must admit that I’ve been pretty uninspired with my cooking for the last few months. Like everything else that’s not going according to plan, I’m blaming it on the heat. I’ve started collecting fall-inspired recipes and this one by Primal Matriarch is top on my list. I can’t wait to cook in fall. Cannot wait.

Have you seen what Lorrie has been doing lately? And on her other blog too? She’s become a posting machine! I’m so happy that she’s got her groove back.

(And, in case you’re wondering, I’m obsessively listening to Ray LaMontagne’s new cd. Obsessively. I love it. This song is my favorite. Watching it makes me carsick but the sound isn’t too bad. Just listen…don’t watch.)

Any recent inspiring posts I should know about?

Sometimes I feel bad. Like I let you all down. Remember when I said I was going to run a marathon? And I asked you all to sign up to run with me? I know you understand why that isn’t happening, but I still feel bad sometimes. I’m sorry. I know you understand, but I’m still sorry.

********

I am running 2 half-marathons this fall. One the Sunday before my 33rd birthday and one the Sunday after. I’m hoping to see some of you (Hi Carly!) at the 5K along with the Marshall Marathon (where Nate and I are running the half). I got a very exciting tweet from Lorrie yesterday.

Running resources? How much fun!

Learning to Run

First things first, I learned to run using the Couch to 5K Program (often referred to as C25K). I love it. I credit it for being the program that I worked to change my life. It is scary, especially Week 5. I think I worked the program up to Week 5 about a dozen times before I finished it. But when I finished Week 5, I knew I could absolutely accomplish anything. I used the C25K app on my iPhone for ease. It tells you when to run and when to walk and plays overtop of whatever music you are listening to. I love it. I know there have been many updates since I used it a year ago, so I can only imagine what it does now. There is also a fan page on facebook that may be a cool place to chat, problem solve, and celebrate.

I also used to spend a lot of time browsing the discussion forums on Cool Running. There is so much knowledge floating around on those boards. Answers to so many questions, and even some questions I didn’t even know I had. Such a wealth of information, support, and humor.

Gear

Choosing running shoes is a very important part of the equation. (I actually think I need new ones. Did you just hear my debit card groan? I did.) If you don’t live in an area where you have a running store close by, or you’re just self-conscious to go into a running store, there are several good resources for finding shoes that are best for you. Most online shoe stores list type of shoe in the description and some shoes even put it on the box in actual shoe stores. (And here is the Runner’s World review of new shoes. How fun is this?) Nike’s Shoe Finder is pretty cool too.

(I’m currently searching for these in person.)

Although I am not gifted in all things technology, I love charts and graphs. I started out with a Nike+ and used it for six months or so. When I got more serious about running, I decided I needed a Garmin. And I LOVE Sheldon Cooper the Garmin. (Named after my favorite tv character of the moment…because they both spit out information at me that I don’t exactly understand. But it sounds fun.) Nathan and I actually share the Garmin, since we run a different times a lot. I really like my Garmin.

I know I should talk about running clothes, socks, etc. But that can get overwhelming. I have a few bras and socks and one tech shirt. They all came from Dick’s. Nothing exciting. I buy on clearance. I’ve also found a lot of running clothes on clearance at TJ Maxx, Marshalls, and the like. But I still run in some drawstring pants from Target and tank tops from Old Navy. You don’t have to buy running clothes. But a good bra is important. And socks in the winter to keep your feet dry. But we’re not there yet.

Encouragement/Accountability

As I’m sure you all know, blogging about my running has been the absolute key to my success. The support I’ve gotten here is amazing. You all kept me running.

I also adore DailyMile.com. It’s kinda like baby-facebook to record your workouts. I love seeing what other people are doing and what races they have on their calendar. Friend me!

My absolute musts: plan, shoes, community.

Things that make me excited to run: Garmin, running skirts, charts and graphs.

So get out there and run! Keep us updated! Anyone have anything I forgot?

***In the environment of full disclosure, I have no affiliation with any of the products/producers/websites/etc linked above. I just like things. I’m just a girl who buys things I like with my money. That is all.***