questions for dessert

I’m going to rant. Because I had a reaction. Because I think it is relevant to my blog. Because I count calories. Because I think that counting calories has improved my life. And I come to the defense of tools that I feel are helpful.

Roni retweeted a tweet last night from EatWithoutGuilt that really got me going:

Roni blogged about it herself. I started a comment on her post, but then I realized I have a lot more to say than should be published in someone else’s space. I’ve had several discussions here and there on twitter. I’ve seen so many people say that calorie counting is unhealthy. That it doesn’t work. That there’s something wrong with me if I do. That I’m lying if I say that it works. So here is my response.

The basic question: Can I have a healthy relationship with food if I’m counting calories or measuring food?

Answer: Absolutely. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever have a healthy relationship with food if I’m not making a specific effort to pay attention to my food intake. Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. Today, counting is paramount. Counting calories (both what I ate and the calories I burned exercising) is the way that I lost 63 pounds. And not counting calories is the way I gained 19 pounds back.

I think it is possible to be “healthy” and a “counter.” Let me tell you what  healthy means in my little head. I think of healthy behaviors as behaviors that improve my overall quality of life instead of hindering it. Healthy is when I’m becoming stronger instead of weaker. When I’m getting closer to the best of me instead of farther away. When I’m living in a way that is consistant with my values and priorities. I don’t think healthy is something that I will achieve when I’m a certain weight or BMI. I don’t think that I will reach healthy when I can run a mile in under 10 minutes or when I can finish that stupid Bob Harper cardio DVD. Healthy is something I work toward every day. Something I make decisions to improve. And something that I’m sure will contstantly be evolving and changing as I change.

Do I count calories? Yes. Absolutely. Although lately, not as much as I should. (Hello, 19 pound gain.) I think know that counting calories is the key to my weight loss. And I’m fine with that. I understand that it’s not for everybody. I understand that some people can get overwhelmed by counting and tracking. I get it. But I don’t think the fact that I count calories means that I have an unhealthy relationship with food.

I think the decision to count calories, for me, shows that I am on a mission to improve my relationship with food. That I’m putting an effort into becoming healthier. That my unhealthy relationship with food is more apparent when I’m not counting calories.

I think of my calorie counting like a checkbook. Like I’m trying to control my intake of food in the same way that I control where my money goes. I record and keep record of my bank account, right? Don’t most of us check in on our online banking to make sure we’re where we think we are? We budget. We pay what has to be paid. We splurge here and there. Does that mean that I have an unhealthy relationship with money? Because I know my limits and want to make sure I’m living within them? Because I know what I have available and how to control it so that I meet my financial goals? What would happen if I just ignored my parameters and went all willy-nilly? I’d have a new iPhone and a new wardrobe and a few KitchenAid appliances and a nice shiny new camera. And a pissed husband. And probably a forclosure notice. (Just like if I ate willy-nilly, I’d have health problems, worse self-esteem issues, and I’d weight 237+ again. I’m just saying.)

I’ve been focusing on the word relationship a lot lately. So I started thinking about my relationships with people and how they might be similar to my relationship with food. There are relationships in my life that aren’t perfect. I have people in my life that are difficult. We all do, right? But how do we keep these relationships healthy and functioning? We find ways to make them work. We compromise. I choose when and in what situations to spend time with certain people. I bite my tongue sometimes. I choose which situations to address and which to just let roll off my back. I know that sometimes I won’t get my way, but I compromise in order to preserve the relationship. So that we still work together and enjoy each other’s company. I put the relationship first, even if that means not getting what I want or think I deserve.

And I think my relationship with food is similar. I would love for it to be easy. I’d love to be the kind of person that could eat intuitively. Who could listen to my body’s cues and eat what my body tells me to eat. But my relationship with food and my appetite is one that needs work and compromise. It is a difficult relationship. We don’t communicate well. We don’t always look out for each other’s best interest. We’re kind of passive-aggressive. We’re kind of selfish. And THAT is unhealthy.

Maybe this calorie counting is a phase. Maybe it’s a tool I won’t use when I am able to better listen to my intuitive voice regarding hunger and food. Or maybe it’s something I’ll have to do for the rest of my life. And, really? How hard is it to log into an app on my iPhone and plug my food in? Isn’t it worth that little effort to keep track of where I am and maintain my health?

I don’t think I’m obsessive. I don’t think you have to be in order to count calories. Even when I’m 100% focused, I take days off. I have gelato. I have a waffle. But I count it. And I run an extra mile. Or I have a snack the next day with fewer calories. Or I just chalk it up to enjoying myself and I go on. Just because I count calories doesn’t mean I’m rigid.

Also, just because I count calories doesn’t mean I’m choosing the lowest calorie version of everything. Other than milk (2% baby!), I ALWAYS have full-fat dairy – yogurt, cheese, sour cream. It’s worth the extra calories for me. I eat a lot of nuts and nut butters. I eat what I consider quality food. Even if they are calorie dense. A runner needs good fuel, right?

So, for me, counting calories is necessary. It’s a compromise I’m more than willing to make in order to get what I want. To improve the relationship between me and my health. To look better, to feel better, to be better.

I totally understand if counting isn’t for you. But it is for me. And I don’t see that there’s anything wrong with that. Maybe that’s what got my fire going – the judgment that counting calories equates with “disordered eating.” Because, for me, the disordered eating comes when I don’t count (i.e. this whole damn summer).

*and now that that’s off my chest, I can get in my car and go buy new running shoes!*

I’m angry.

So I wrote the post about being hefty. And I got all high and mighty. Sure that I could do this. Because I have. Because I am awesome. Blah blah blah.

But then I got on the Wii. And it weighed me. And I got all angry.

193.

I’m up a grand total of 19 pounds from my low in March. 15 pounds was one thing. But 19? That’s the cusp of 20.

Let’s just get the justifications out of the way, shall we? We got pregnant. I had a miscarriage. It has been really hot and humid. Etc etc etc.

Does that justify 19 pounds?

Let’s be honest. Where did those 19 pounds come from? From the choices I have made.

Sweet and sour chicken.

Nutella on toast.

Laying on the couch.

Veggie burritos with guacamole.

Cereal after dinner.

Top Chef Marathons. On the couch.

Big portions.

Cranberry orange scones.

No Reservations on DVR. On the couch.

Pepsi. Mexican Pepsi.

Fage and granola…after dinner.

Basically, bending every rule that I set in place for myself. All the things I used to use as occasional treats became every day occurrences again. I stopped working out on a regular basis. I have a snack drawer at work. I’m eating when I’m not hungry and I’m not moving.

But I’m not doing this again.

I’m done with this stupid cycle.

I AM NOT PUTTING THIS EFFING WEIGHT BACK ON AGAIN.

So are you tired of hearing me go back and forth? Tired of my new starts? Tired of my “this time is the real time” talk? Sure you are.

And I am too.

I’m tired of not living the life I deserve. Of taking and doing what I want instead of what I need. Because I’m stealing from myself. I’m stealing years. I’m stealing joy. And I’m not hiding it from anybody. Even though I try to hide it from myself.

So I took an angry walk. I came home and cried an angry cry.

Here’s hoping angry keeps me motivated until peace shows up.

Okay, boys and girls. I’m doing this.

I’ve ran for the past two days (and we’re going out as soon as dinner settles). I’m getting my eating back together. Because it’s about time.

Today I ran into someone I’ve only seen a time or two since the spring. Her comment? “What’s happened to you? Your hair is all crazy? Are you getting all hefty again?” Dude, for real? Hefty. About me. And I’m gonna fix that.

We all know that there are health reasons to lose weight . That I will feel better. That I’ll be able to run farther and faster. That my mood will stabilize and I’ll feel like the Krissie I was.

But let’s get honest here. I want to be hot. And 15 pounds down from my current weight? I felt hot. That’s not that far. I know I can’t lose it in three weeks, but I can make a significant dent in that.

What’s going on in three weeks? My 10 Year College Reunion. I would really like to get back into my Superhero Black Dress by then. I think I can manage. Especially if I really focus. It’ll be fun.

So I was looking through the college pictures I’ve scanned into the computer. You know, to get excited for the reunion. This one is from the summer between junior and senior year. I weighed 175. I was running. Nathan and I had just started dating. I was in a happy healthy place.

But by the winter of that same year, I was right back where I started. I was stressed out about grad school and where I was going to live. I was right back up to around 200 here.

And the weight hung around straight through graduation. And for the next few years. I’m already smaller than I was at graduation, so that’s something to feel good about.

But the weight? I lost during junior year, and gained it back senior. And then I hit 175 again the summer after we got married. And gained it again. And then I hit 174(!) in March of this year, and I’m not there anymore. I’m not back up to 237, but I’m not at 174. That is depressing.

I’m not going to do this again. This is it. This time is forever.

So what’s next? Shut up. Lace up. Go run.

Amen.

I’m still keeping track of posts and bloggers who inspire me. I hope you find someone new in here. I just love my blog buddies. So here you go.

Sometimes I can get down on myself. From this time last year to day, my weight is only about 10 pounds less (especially since it was 20 pounds less a few months ago). And that can get me down sometimes. But then I read posts like this from my dear Mousearoo. I start thinking of everything I have accomplished and everything I have made it through in the last few months. Sometimes all it takes is someone to shift your focus, you know? So thanks a lot Marie. I needed to read your pep talk to yourself.

As much as I hate to see people struggle, I love to see the moment when we start to get our crap back together. When we take the time to stop and reflect and readjust our mindset and behaviors. And I love that Jeannie is sitting with that right now. The space of figuring things out is where change happens. And I have faith in her. And she makes me feel like I’m not in this alone.

Is there anything that inspires me more than babies? I don’t think so. Go give Cameron a warm welcome. I just want to go meet him and snuggle him. Such a pity round trip airfare is double my car payment. (I actually checked. I so want you meet you guys Ang!)

I must admit that I’ve been pretty uninspired with my cooking for the last few months. Like everything else that’s not going according to plan, I’m blaming it on the heat. I’ve started collecting fall-inspired recipes and this one by Primal Matriarch is top on my list. I can’t wait to cook in fall. Cannot wait.

Have you seen what Lorrie has been doing lately? And on her other blog too? She’s become a posting machine! I’m so happy that she’s got her groove back.

(And, in case you’re wondering, I’m obsessively listening to Ray LaMontagne’s new cd. Obsessively. I love it. This song is my favorite. Watching it makes me carsick but the sound isn’t too bad. Just listen…don’t watch.)

Any recent inspiring posts I should know about?

Sometimes I feel bad. Like I let you all down. Remember when I said I was going to run a marathon? And I asked you all to sign up to run with me? I know you understand why that isn’t happening, but I still feel bad sometimes. I’m sorry. I know you understand, but I’m still sorry.

********

I am running 2 half-marathons this fall. One the Sunday before my 33rd birthday and one the Sunday after. I’m hoping to see some of you (Hi Carly!) at the 5K along with the Marshall Marathon (where Nate and I are running the half). I got a very exciting tweet from Lorrie yesterday.

Running resources? How much fun!

Learning to Run

First things first, I learned to run using the Couch to 5K Program (often referred to as C25K). I love it. I credit it for being the program that I worked to change my life. It is scary, especially Week 5. I think I worked the program up to Week 5 about a dozen times before I finished it. But when I finished Week 5, I knew I could absolutely accomplish anything. I used the C25K app on my iPhone for ease. It tells you when to run and when to walk and plays overtop of whatever music you are listening to. I love it. I know there have been many updates since I used it a year ago, so I can only imagine what it does now. There is also a fan page on facebook that may be a cool place to chat, problem solve, and celebrate.

I also used to spend a lot of time browsing the discussion forums on Cool Running. There is so much knowledge floating around on those boards. Answers to so many questions, and even some questions I didn’t even know I had. Such a wealth of information, support, and humor.

Gear

Choosing running shoes is a very important part of the equation. (I actually think I need new ones. Did you just hear my debit card groan? I did.) If you don’t live in an area where you have a running store close by, or you’re just self-conscious to go into a running store, there are several good resources for finding shoes that are best for you. Most online shoe stores list type of shoe in the description and some shoes even put it on the box in actual shoe stores. (And here is the Runner’s World review of new shoes. How fun is this?) Nike’s Shoe Finder is pretty cool too.

(I’m currently searching for these in person.)

Although I am not gifted in all things technology, I love charts and graphs. I started out with a Nike+ and used it for six months or so. When I got more serious about running, I decided I needed a Garmin. And I LOVE Sheldon Cooper the Garmin. (Named after my favorite tv character of the moment…because they both spit out information at me that I don’t exactly understand. But it sounds fun.) Nathan and I actually share the Garmin, since we run a different times a lot. I really like my Garmin.

I know I should talk about running clothes, socks, etc. But that can get overwhelming. I have a few bras and socks and one tech shirt. They all came from Dick’s. Nothing exciting. I buy on clearance. I’ve also found a lot of running clothes on clearance at TJ Maxx, Marshalls, and the like. But I still run in some drawstring pants from Target and tank tops from Old Navy. You don’t have to buy running clothes. But a good bra is important. And socks in the winter to keep your feet dry. But we’re not there yet.

Encouragement/Accountability

As I’m sure you all know, blogging about my running has been the absolute key to my success. The support I’ve gotten here is amazing. You all kept me running.

I also adore DailyMile.com. It’s kinda like baby-facebook to record your workouts. I love seeing what other people are doing and what races they have on their calendar. Friend me!

My absolute musts: plan, shoes, community.

Things that make me excited to run: Garmin, running skirts, charts and graphs.

So get out there and run! Keep us updated! Anyone have anything I forgot?

***In the environment of full disclosure, I have no affiliation with any of the products/producers/websites/etc linked above. I just like things. I’m just a girl who buys things I like with my money. That is all.***

I apologize for being vague here. My reasons aren’t about trust, or even about privacy. But instead because there would be a lot of explanations which would include a bunch of (emotional and physical) gorey details. And I’m sure you’d stop reading before I got to what I really want to say. So just take my word for it.

Yesterday was craptastic. A lot of drama in a lot of areas of my life. I just shot Fat Bridesmaid an email summarizing all the drama and when re-reading it before I hit send, I stopped dead in my tracks.

I had a lot of emotion yesterday. A lot of disappointment. Several situations that would have brought me way down just a few weeks ago. Situations that would have driven me to binge. To throw in the towel. To make me forget all my healthy habits.

But that’s not where I went. I ate well. I didn’t exercise because I’d had two good runs and I wanted to have strong legs for today’s run. I laid on the couch not because I was depressed or discouraged, but instead because I was choosing to rest (and to take advantage of our free preview week of Bravo). I relaxed because it was what I wanted to do, not because I didn’t want to do anything else. When Nathan went on his run, I didn’t feel bad for not running too. I made a choice. And I don’t think I would have spent my evening any differently even if my day had been perfect.

In an nutshell, I didn’t give up. And if any day would drive me to giving up, it would have been yesterday.

I know I never gave up on the big picture, but there were a lot of days that I gave up in small increments. Days that I gave up until the sun came up again. Knowing that yesterday happened and I still kept my head in the game? That yesterday happened and I didn’t even consider sabotaging my healthy habits? I cannot tell you how much that encourages me. How much that restores my faith in myself and my commitments. How much that reminds me that I can be the person I want to be.

And that feels pretty awesome.

Have a great weekend, friends!

Ever have one of those days where there is so much drama that your brain is just tired at the end of the day? Yeah. My brain was exhausted by lunchtime. And that was even before the work drama started. And then some (minor but still yet influential to the overall day) physical drama. It’s been a long day.

So I’ve spent my evening eating a frozen burrito and laying on the couch watching Top Chef. Just kinda clearing my brain for tomorrow. And hoping that it is calmer.

I hate to ever wish any of my life away, but I really really need a weekend. Tomorrow is Friday. That is great great news. Bring on the weekend.

(Oh, and the Running thing? I’ve ran the past 2 days and the runs have really been nice. So today I rested my legs. And I’m excited to run tomorrow. I’m so glad that we’re finally getting a break from the humidity. It has been a terribly hot summer. Bring on fall!)

So a few weeks ago, I wrote about my relationship with food and compared it with my relationship with Nathan. I need to remember what I wrote there. It’s so easy for me to forget information that I don’t want to incorporate into my life because it’s too difficult.

Nathan bought me the newest issue of Running Times when he was out and about this weekend. So far, I’ve only gotten to the Editor’s Note. Because it hit a nerve. He talks about having a relationship with running, and how that’s not that different than having a relationship with a person. So I’ve been thinking about my relationship with Running. And here’s what I’ve come up with.

I had to work really hard to get to a peaceful place with Running. We struggled a lot in the beginning. I have wanted to be friends with Running for years – YEARS – but I wasn’t willing to put the work into it. I knew Running required time and focus and determination, but I also knew she was worth every bit of effort.

I finally earned her trust earlier this year and we became bffs. We spent time together almost every day. Big chunks of time. Time getting lost in our thoughts. I paid a lot of attention to her. Sometimes she was needy, sometimes the relationship was easy. But we were working as a team.

And then? Something happened. For no fault of either of us, we had to spend some time apart. And we grew apart. And some of our trust disappeared. I’ve been afraid we won’t ever be friends again. I’ve been afraid she won’t want me back. Afraid that she’ll laugh at me and that I’ll want to give up again.

I’ve taken the first step several times. I’ve spent time with her occasionally – once a week here, twice a week there – but nothing consistent. Nothing that will rebuild the relationship. Just enough to insure that we are in each others’ thoughts.

It really doesn’t help that our relationship is spent outside. And that this whole summer has felt like we’re vacationing on the sun. It’s just hard to rebuild my relationship with Running right now because of our situation. When I do play with her, I have a good time. She makes me feel strong and powerful and free. But after a few minutes, my mind goes to how well we used to play together and how much I ache now and how hard I breathe now and how I move very slowly up hills I used to glide up with ease.

But I’m committed to Running. Just because this has been a very hard (and hot) summer does not mean that she is not important to me. It doesn’t mean that I don’t value her greatly. It just means that I’ve been out of focus. I’ve had a hard time getting myself back together on a steady basis. And my relationship with Running is the first thing to suffer. (Or at least it suffers equally along with my relationship with Food.)

And there’s a lot of mending that needs to be done. I know there will be wailing and crying and gnashing of teeth. But I’m willing. I love you, Running. You are one of my best friends. You have taught me so much about myself. You have taught me how to love myself and believe in myself. We will be close again. Come hell, high water, or humidity.

To prove this to you? I just registered for the Iron Horse Half Marathon. And the Half at the Marshal Marathon. I made a commitment to you, my friend. And it’s time I man up.

So last week, I talked about taking the time to notice motivation. And I kept a log last week of blogs that have inspired me. Here are a few:

Jen provided several options for me to choose from:

• I love the sweaty-after-workout pictures. So motivating. Makes me want to have one to show for myself.
• She wrote about talking herself out of a binge. “I was in control…I tackled the 6-year-old in my head who had been throwing a tantrum. I took 27 million deep breaths and the adult in me stood up.” I love the imagery. And I challenged my adult all week.

Roni addressed organization and priorities. And the inability to do everything perfectly. She made me look at where I’m willing to let go of perfection to allow things to be completed “good enough.” I thought it was inspiring to see her literal mess and it made me think of how I show you guys my mess here verbally every day. (She’s also at the Outer Banks right now. And that makes me insanely jealous.)

SeattleRunnerGirl took a long, hard look at a binge. I’ve been there. I know how scary it can be to be caught up in it and then the bravery it takes to examine why. Many kudos to you, girl. I love the last line: Basically: if hunger isn’t the problem, food isn’t the answer. I’m trying to work on remembering that myself. Thanks for the reminder.

I just recently found JewliaGoulia and I’m digging her. She got really vulnerable this week and presented pictures of her photography. I loved it. I love seeing us bloggers as well-rounded people who value things other than weight loss or being healthy. Her photography is beautiful and hilarious and moving. I loved the picture on the scale with all the gallons of water. And the army guy in the spaghetti-o’s. Just a good post.

I am pretty much imerging myself in all that is MorganDayCecil. Good grief, this lady asks some hard questions, is helping me define myself, and is the reason I started this whole idea. (She has also just started a brilliant business and values romance in her marriage. I want to live my life like she does.)

And I also found inspiration on the run this week, via twitter and @jonathanforeman. And it made me feel good about what I do here:

I’m going to try to do this for a while. To take notes. To tell you. To be inspired.

Let me know if there is anyone you think I should check out!